


What We Need To See

by sullacat



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Alien Culture, Big Bang, Falling In Love, First Time, Injury, Long, M/M, star trek big bang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-18
Updated: 2011-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 07:16:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 42,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullacat/pseuds/sullacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both? Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Need To See

**Author's Note:**

> Written with [Salvaged Pride](http://salvaged-pride.livejournal.com/) for the 2010 Star Trek Big Bang.  
> Please check out the [beautiful art work](http://gadgetorious.livejournal.com/22766.html) created for this fic by Gadgetorious, as well as the [excellent fanmix](http://dizilla.livejournal.com/202641.html) made by Dizilla.
> 
> Betaed by the lovely Shinychimera.

No one had shot them, no one was running at them with spears. They hadn't beamed down in the middle of an ocean, they hadn't disturbed anyone's eggs. Already, this was going better than their last few away missions. All in all, the first six months on board the _Enterprise_ had been more exciting than any of them had ever dreamed.

Having been assured that the new species they'd been asked to meet with had friendly intentions and genuine interest in joining the Federation, Spock had asked to remain on board to complete a crucial experiment. So it was Bones this time standing at Jim's side, looking typically uncomfortable but ready to meet the representatives of Tuatara. Uhura stood on his other side, an excited gleam in her eyes. Jim knew she was particularly interested about this away mission, as the new species' dialect was most unusual, a mix of vocalizations and body language. The past couple of encounters with new species had been cut short, and Uhura hadn't been able to spend as much time studying their syntax and vocabulary as she'd wanted.

But this, Jim hoped, was going to be the beginning of a long and peaceful friendship with the Tuatarans, and the Federation would get the ally it so desperately needed in this sector.

The landing party stood waiting for their hosts at the beam down coordinates, one of the few places the radiation in the highest atmosphere of the planet was thin enough to allow transport to the surface. Jim looked over at the two security personnel that accompanied them, who stood calmly on the outside of their group in a relaxed parade stance. Good guys, they'd both been with him on their last away mission and he'd been pleased with their quick thinking and actions, enough to request them both specifically for this important meeting. Darius Vickers had a wickedly sharp sense of humor he could keep well in check, a keen eye for detail, and was such a good shot that Jim had been impressed, while Adam Yamaguchi was good-natured with an easy smile that seemed to put others at ease which made him perfect for negotiations.

It wasn't either of them that Jim was worried about when it came to the mission. It was Bones who concerned him, because while Spock was calm, dignified, and somewhat ruthless in his diplomacy, Bones was... none of those things. So when Spock suggested Bones of all people take his place, Jim had to wonder if Bones was the best choice. The best damn doctor that existed, Jim couldn't deny that, but a diplomat?

Maybe it was a lingering fear after remembering Bones' idea of diplomacy - in various bars around San Francisco, pissing off medics at the infirmary on campus, and a memorable scuffle in New Mexico after a return trip from Christmas one year that led Jim to have a little discussion with his chief medical officer - a discussion about diplomatic manners, keeping his mouth shut instead of making a mumbled comment, and not touching anything he shouldn't. It was rich, coming from Jim of all people, but there was no one who knew Bones better.

"...Remember what we talked about?" Jim said with a sly grin, his voice pure sing-song tease.

"Yes, Mom," Bones answered drolly, rocking on his heels and rolling his eyes. "I'll try not to embarrass you too much."

Jim heard a rustle and turned back to see two of the Tuatarans approaching them, leaving Jim to suppress a laugh from Bones' sarcasm. Even having been prepped on what little was known of them and their culture, it was still a bit of a shock to see them in person. The female was humanoid, bipedal with two forward facing eyes, but her body had not a trace of fat to soften the outline of green-hued skin over ropey muscle and her eyes were a slanted, hypnotic gold. Jet black hair coursed down the length of her back, and the long split tunic she wore was a tight fit to her body. Her hand was settled lightly on the arm of the male beside her. It was the first time that Jim had seen an alien species, in person, where the males looked so vastly different than the females. Where the female was vaguely humanoid and walked bipedal, the male looked entirely snake-like and was one long ripple of muscle with no legs. He was entirely unclothed, bore a large curved sword over his back, and looked like he knew how to use it. At seven feet tall, the Tuatarans towered over the away party as they stopped several feet away.

The female leaned over slightly and Jim could hear her hissing softly in a whisper to the male, who listened intently, the flicker of his tongue in and out the only movement from his body. Finally he nodded and the female straightened again. Then the male spoke, a language all clicks and hisses of the tongue, and within a heartbeat the portable universal translator around Jim's neck started to do its job. It fit snugly into his left ear, wrapped around the back of his neck, and had a microphone and speaker settled on his right collar bone. It was an expensive new toy that the _Enterprise_ got the joy of testing over the old bulky translators, and Jim highly approved.

"Be welcomed to our world," the male's voice was an even yet formal computer tone in his ear thanks to the translator. The male bowed from the waist down, drawing claws diagonally across the air in front of and towards his chest. "The light of Vioniss is an insult to Cyli's people, let us venture underground until Cyli returns." Two words hadn't translated; instead the computer had repeated the closest translation of syllables it could find in its rapidly expanding vocabulary. From the corner of his eye, Jim could see Uhura's mouth tightening, presumably her mind already attempting figure out a translation for the gap in the translator's work.

Jim repeated the bow, minus the gesture across the chest, doing his best to be respectful. "It's our pleasure to be here to speak to you on behalf of the Federation. Please, lead the way." Jim had discovered rapidly as captain that he actually could be quite diplomatic when he needed to be, and to his surprise, he even enjoyed it. His actions and words appeared to please their hosts, and the male and female turned together and started to walk back through the dappled sunlight of the jungle overhead.

Already he was starting to sweat in the jungle's extreme humidity. Jim glanced over to Bones, who seemed to be comfortable enough. _Probably happy to be warm again. Southern boys._ He grinned at his own mental joke, and looked to Uhura who seemed to be studying the backsides of their host with interest. She caught his look and nodded slightly. "I didn't expect so much of their language to be body language."

The comment surprised Jim, who raised his brows. "Really?"

There was a smug smile he saw curling at the edges of her lips that told him just how much Uhura liked being able to prove herself superior when it came to linguistics. "Actually, while he was talking, there was a great deal of body language. Movements in the horned ridges at the back of his jaw, the tip of his tail, and the sway of his body. It isn't the first time I've had to learn a species' body language, but I've never studied a reptilian race before."

"Think you'll be able to pick it up quick?" Jim questioned.

The tone Uhura adopted made Jim smirk. "Of course, Captain."

Jim shook his head with a small laugh, then looked around as they hit the edges of the jungle and stepped onto stone-covered ground. It seemed like some sort of marketplace or something similar, with stalls made of wood and metal lining the pathway they were walking. Yet despite what he was seeing, Jim saw not a single soul in sight beyond their small party. "First impressions?" asked Jim, in a low voice.

Vickers answered first. "I'd feel better if I saw some others. Don't like deserted areas like this."

Neither did Jim. "Agreed. Let's just keep our eyes open right now," he said with a confident smile.

"Sir, yes sir!" Yamaguchi answered in a snappy tone of voice, then laughed at his own small joke, easing a small bit of tension between them all. There was something about Yamaguchi's way, even in his laugh, that reminded Jim of his older brother every time they ended up on a mission together. Just something small, when he and Sam were young and life was still simple. It always made him feel easy around the security guard, and he had seen that attitude work well on both other crew members, guests on ship, and aliens alike.

They were being led through a beautiful city, all stone work in pyramid shapes so familiar that it took Jim's mind a minute to realize where he had seen similar architecture. It looked like an ancient South American native city, something Aztec or Olmec. They saw stepped pyramids of a stone that was almost white, though from a distance Jim couldn't tell if they were painted or the stone was naturally such a bleached color. Their hosts seemed uninterested in talking, and from the long strides he was having to take to keep up with them, Jim guessed they were in a big hurry to get underground.

Jim was working on a theory about what he was seeing when they came to the edge of a large square hole in the ground. Raised stonework kept someone from falling into the hole on three out of the four sides, while the fourth side opened to allow them to walk down a ramp. Their hosts kept walking without hesitation, going straight down and vanishing into the darkness beneath it. Jim looked back to the rest of his crew, shrugged, and kept following.

After the brilliance of the day above ground, the darkness underground seemed complete as Jim tried to blink away sun spots and let his eyes adjust. Eventually he realized there was a low level of electrical lighting leading their way, down through tunnels that much to Jim's amusement, felt almost like walking down the corridors of the _Enterprise_. The walls were smooth-surfaced and squared off, and the floor had the feeling of being padded beneath it, comfortable to walk on but with a rough surface, almost like the texture of concrete or fine black top. Jim wondered if the snakemen needed the rough texture to aid in how they moved.

Eventually they were led to an well-lit antechamber, a lounge of sorts filled with tall chairs and large pillows. "Please wait here for the Mother to awaken. She wishes to greet you herself." With that, the two Tuatarans turned and left the room, the door sliding closed behind them with a hiss.

The away party turned to look at each other and the room where they were waiting. Bones pulled off his translator, rubbing at his ear. "That was friendly enough," he said, a little sarcastically. "Why did they ask us here right now if their Great Mother is napping?" he asked. "We could've come down later."

"Dunno," Jim answered, beginning to examine the room more closely. "Maybe they wanted a little time to check us out."

"Captain's probably right," Yamaguchi added, looking at the strange shield on the wall etched with swirling carvings that might have been writing. "According to reports, the Federation's had minimal dealings with this species before. They're bound to be as curious about us as we are about them."

To that, Jim could only agree. In quiet voices, the away party discussed what they had seen so far and knew from the contact that had come over the communications system the previous day. They waited no longer than half an hour before a male slithered into the room and asked them to join the Mother for 'first meal'. As they followed their guide into the tunnel system again, Jim looked to Bones at his side. "Must be a nocturnal species if this is their first meal of the day," commenting somewhat matter of factly, though he was curious about how Bones felt about all this.

"Sure looks like it," Bones answered, eyes tracking as much as they could as they walked, never stopping. "Strange though, most Terran reptiles tend to stay out in the sun all day, keep themselves warm. These guys seem the opposite."

"If you've noticed, Doctor, most Terran lizards aren't seven feet tall, either," Uhura added lightly, and Jim saw that twitch of her lips again as he walked with her into the banquet room.

* * *

 

"Captain!" The voice was far away and fuzzy, but incessant. "Captain, wake up!" Now there was something else, hands grabbing at his shoulders. Jim's body reacted more than his mind did, reaching up and trying to grab for the nearest wrist, but his body felt uncoordinated and off, and Jim's eyes flashed open.

Yamaguchi's face hovered over his eyes, looking down on him with worry, and beyond him Jim saw a mixture of shadow and the cool pink-light of dawn or sunset. Jim waved him back and sat up, but found himself blinking as the world swam in front of his eyes. "Sir, be careful." Yamaguchi said worriedly. Jim accepted the hand on his arm that kept him steady and upright, shaking his head to try and rid the dizziness that had come up. "Doctor McCoy and Vickers are still both out cold," Yamaguchi pointed off to the side, where Jim could see the other two laying out on the jungle floor, "and Lt Uhura is missing."

Something in his chest clenched, making him freeze on hearing those words. Jim's eyes peered on the jungle around them. A thousand scenarios ran through his head about why Uhura would not be with them out here, all of them bad. Jim whispered a curse and forced himself up onto his knees, crawling over and putting a hand on Bones' shoulder, jerking the doctor's body. "Bones. _Bones_. Wake up!"

It took a bit of shaking for Jim to get Bones' eyes opened, Jim sighing in relief as Bones' eyes did open. Bones sat up with Jim's help, his expression filled with the same muddled mixture of worry and fear Jim was feeling. "What happened?" Bones asked, rubbing his face.

What _had_ happened? Jim frowned as he sat back from Bones, pulling together his memories. They had been invited to the Tuataran's festival in celebration of their Goddess, held in the center of the city under the brilliant white light of the full moon. Much to his surprise and pleasure, the Tuataran people really knew how to party. There had been displays of music and fire dancing that was almost hypnotizing against the black night, a huge feast of fruits, berries, leaves, and meats that Bones declared safe for their consumption, and strange religious rites that they sat respectfully through. Jim had been given a place of honor on a stone platform along with the Mother Priestess and her male attendant, with his crew right beside him. He learned about their gods, mouth stuffed full, listening to stories and legends while he sat and ate. Cyli - the word for one of their two major deities. Cyli was female, and was either night time or the moon, Jim hadn't quite figured out which. The other had been Vioniss, which was day time or the sun.

It was late into the night when everything seemed to hit a crescendo, and another rite began. The Mother Priestess spoke - she was the only female Jim heard speak out loud instead of a whisper to one of the males - and Jim got a chance to ask what was going on in a whisper to the Mother's attendant. The male attendant told him that tonight was a night of great power, and that the truly strong would be sent on a _quest_. The translator had taken its sweet time in coming up with the word, as it had been doing all day long for difficult or unknown words, but despite the hiccups Jim was generally able to follow all that was being said. He had asked about the quest...

 _Asked about the quest._ The male attendant had turned to the Mother, who had leaned over to them and offered them the chance to prove the Federation's word and honor. Of course, Jim had said yes. That was why they were there, after all. Then a dish was placed in front of them, a blue-white bowl of something that proved to be bright-sweet on the tongue like ice cream and just as cold.

After that, Jim couldn't remember a thing. Just darkness.

"We got drugged," Jim said with some anger in his voice as he came to the realization. Whatever had been in that bowl, he'd eaten without even a second thought. Drugged. Damn. The hot-cold feeling of betrayal sat heavy in his stomach and hard in his chest. "And Nyota's gone."

From the corner of his eye, he could see Yamaguchi shaking Vickers awake. Jim and Bones called out for Nyota, searching the immediate area but there was no response, just dense jungle in every direction. "Drugged, and left out here on our own." Jim looked in the direction of the Tuataran Yamaguchi pointed out. Almost on their own.

Bones looked around, patting at his side. "My medical kit," he said. "I don't have it. Do you?"

Jim looked down at his belt, fingers running along it, and quickly shook his head. "Nothing. They took everything."

"Not everything sir," Yamaguchi called out, looking from where he was kneeling beside a dizzy looking Vickers. "We also have a friend," he added, this time pointing behind them at the Tuataran male unconscious on the ground, "and this." Yamaguchi tapped his neck, where Jim could see the universal translator still wrapped around the security man's neck.

Jim felt at his own neck, but his translator had been taken. He couldn't see one on Bones or Vickers.

"Why would they take all but one of ours?" Bones seemed to have drawn the same conclusion.

It was a conclusion that made Jim go cold inside. "Because they have something to tell us, or they want us to be able talk to _him_ ," indicating the Tuataran laid out nearby. He doubted that the Tuatarans would have made such a mistake; leaving behind one translator had to be deliberate.

He heard Vickers curse quietly under his breath, and for a moment the four men just stared at each other as each of them tried to figure out what to do next.

"We know that the _Enterprise_ can't beam us up," Jim said in a very soft voice. They had been given a very specific set of coordinates to beam down to, a natural weak spot in the thick upper-atmosphere radiation of the planet. "Not unless we get to somewhere that the transporter can lock onto us _and_ they're actually looking for us." Jim guessed that the light filtering down through the thick foliage was the first fingers of dawn, which meant that a good few hours passed since the feast. Would the _Enterprise_ know to be looking for them by now? Did they even have an idea that something might be wrong? Jim tried to recall when he last checked in with Spock the night before, but all he could remember was telling Spock that everything was going great, don't worry about them. _Smart move, genius_ , Jim mentally slapped himself in the back of the head.

All of a sudden a crackling noise surrounded them, making everyone jump, and the air was filled with the sounds of the hissing, long syllables that made up the Tuataran language. Yamaguchi grabbed at the translator and turned the volume up, so that the others could hear. _Find Cyli's Eye before the light of Vioniss awakens three times to shine upon your face. Prove your strength and your words. Your worth may be proven._

The message repeated three times, then faded away.

All four men stared at each other. Jim swallowed once, thinking fast. "...They want us to find something before..." He thought fast, working through the formal wording. "Vioniss awakens three times... daytime.... sunrises? Three sunrises?" Jim looked up at the sunrise staring them at the face. "Guess this is morning number one then."

"But what is Cyli's Eye?" Yamaguchi asked, looking over at Jim. "That could be anything."

Jim opened his mouth to respond, but there was a hissing behind him. He looked over at the Tuataran that was righting himself, checking over his body before looking at the four humans again. Jim looked quickly to Yamaguchi, who had the universal translator already in his ear and was listening intently, but the Tuataran didn't say anything to them. He seemed more worried about the bright sun, beginning to rise higher in the sky. Letting out a ragged hiss noise, he winced as if the light hurt his eyes, then headed toward an almost invisible path between the trees leading deeper into the jungle.

Bones looked over at Yamaguchi. "What did he say?"

"Nothing the translator understood," Yamaguchi answered. "Maybe a curse word or name or something."

"Translator," Jim held out a hand for it, which Yamaguchi gave over. "Follow him. Best chance of finding out way out of here is with one of the natives." Except the Tuatarans could move _fast_ , and Jim had to sprint to catch up as he fumbled wrapping the translator around his neck.

As soon as he caught up, Jim started talking towards the Tuataran. "What's going on? Why were we thrown out here? And where is Lt Uhura?" Jim tried to get any information he could from the snakeman, who clearly wanted nothing to do with any of them.

But as they continued to follow, the Tuataran slowed a fraction, listening to the noises coming out of Jim's translator. Then he shook his head, as if unimpressed at the ragtag group following him. "You must be faster," he said, the device in Jim's ear translating the hisses into words. "Must reach the valley before Cyli shows her face."

"At least answer this. Why are we out here? Why did your people drug us and toss us out in the jungle? Why are _you_ here?" Jim went for a different angle, hearing the other three just behind them.

"I walk the path to Cyli because I am not afraid!" the Tuataran spat out at him, as if his honor had been disparaged. The look on his face was one of disdain. "Only the strongest can reach the Eye and become one of Cyli's Chosen. I do not know why you are here, unless She wants to see if you are worthy." Jim could hear the respect and honor in 'She', and knew it had to mean their goddess, not the Mother Priestess who had, he assumed, gotten them thrown out here.

"Then where is Lt Uhura? The other member of our team?"

That actually stopped the Tuataran and the snake-man looked back at them. "Female?"

Jim thought it was reason to continue. "Yeah, what have they done with her?"

"Nothing." And the Tuataran kept moving.

The blunt answer, and the almost offended tone it was given in, made Jim look at Bones in confusion, then anger. Jim asked again, wanting some real information. "What do you mean, nothing? Why isn't she out here with us?"

That earned him a glare that coming from a nearly seven foot snake man made even him pause. "All females are chosen of Cyli. Your female would be given no less honor."

"What do you mean, given no less honor?" Jim continued, trying to get some sort of non-cryptic information out of the Tuataran.

"Your female is free to come and go as she pleases. May return to your ship if she desires, or may wait for you in comfort."

Well, that was somewhat reassuring, if it was true. With them kidnapped, Jim knew Uhura would return to the _Enterprise_ and along with Spock, start trying to figure out how to get them back. Would the Tuatarans given her any information about what had happened, or leave her entirely in the dark? Still, after what happened to them, Jim just couldn't settle the belief that Uhura was in some sort of danger. Until he could see her again, he had to assume the worst. "What does it mean to be one of Cyli's Chosen?"

The Tuataran ignored this question. "Hurry. We must reach the Valley of Ryss before Cyli shows Her face. Otherwise, much danger." With that, he began moving faster, just as the others caught up with Jim.

"You get anything from him?" Bones asked, beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead.

Jim looked to Bones, slowing down just a touch so he could talk to all three of them at the same time. "The Tuatarans have put us on some sort of religious quest, if what I'm guessing is right. I think we've got two days and nights to get to somewhere and get this Eye or who knows what's going to happen. He," Jim jerked a thumb in the Tuataran's direction, "said something about how this means we're Cyli's Chosen, if we make it."

"Is that why the Tuataran is with us? To help us?" Vickers asked, frowning.

Jim shook his head. "Not in the least. I get the feeling that he's actually pretty insulted that they put us out here along with him. Right now he's our best shot to figure out where to go though, so we need to stick with him. He seems to have some idea of where this Cyli's Eyes might be."

"I'd feel better if we had our phasers," Vickers grumbled as they all began walking fast again, catching up with the huge reptilian creature. Jim couldn't help but agree with that.

Thoughts about their situation and Uhura plagued Jim as they walked for a while, moving fast and following as close to the Tuataran as they could. From the bits and pieces of answers Jim could glean from the snakeman, they managed to figure out that the Valley of Ryss was their destination this evening, somewhere relatively safe compared to the dense jungle where eyes watched them at every turn. All around them they could hear the calls of animals as evidence that they weren't the only things alive in this humid jungle, and they could feel their passage through the trees being noted by whatever lived there. The air was thick with buzzing insects, too, and every few minutes one of the men slapped at the bugs biting their exposed skin.

All of a sudden the Tuataran stopped. He made a hissing noise that the translator couldn't interpret, but Jim understood one hand held up in front of him - the universal sign of 'wait'. The Tuataran's forked tongue flicked out several times, as if sensing something, a minute smell in the air only he could identify. They all watched cautiously as he picked up a large stick from the ground and tossed it a few feet in front of him. There was a collective gasp of horror as the stick was instantly snapped in two by three blades that seemed to materialize out of the ground in a wide circular arc then vanish back again into the surrounding foliage

The away team was instantly on guard again. "You mean the jungle's booby trapped?" Vickers growled, looking at the ground in anger. Their senses sharpened to the shadows, sounds and scents around them, and the dangers that lurked there, when it was not only the jungle against them but planned, purposeful dangers as well.

"Appears so," said Bones, watching the face of the Tuataran, who seemed to be both pleased that he discovered the trap, and amused at the astonished faces of the Starfleet crew. "It's more than just making it to Cyli's Eye?" he asked the large native, who scoffed.

"Cyli's Chosen are the strongest and smartest of all. Those who live through the rite receive the best of everything." His eyes seemed to be scanning the ground again, and soon they were walking again.

The atmosphere now changed from a vague danger, more annoying than anything else, to a serious and continual threat all around them. Jim could feel the change in the group, the constant prowl in the two security guards that was oddly comforting, and something like instinct that put Bones in the middle of the group. The longer Bones didn't notice the extra protection for him, the better.

They learned the Tuataran's name not long after that - Ruud. He acted a little different from the other Tuatarans that Jim had met so far, less controlled somehow, leading Jim to believe that Ruud was actually more of a teenager than an adult. Ruud wasn't yet seven feet tall, seemed more impatient that the others they'd met. He appeared to be unconcerned or worried about the humans trailing him, but the small glances back combined with the fact that none of them had to run to keep up anymore made Jim think Ruud was no longer trying to actively outrun them.

But Ruud still kept up the pressure for them to move quickly, pausing to grab at berries from a thorny bush. "These, the red ones," he told them, pointing out another bush. "Only these. Others will make you sick."

Bones picked up one of the berries, looked at it closely. "Not gonna make it too far if this is all we gotta eat for two days, but they look safe enough. Lot like some of the stuff they were feeding us at that feast of theirs." he said, looking over at Jim.

"I'd rather take this than having nothing at all," Jim said bluntly, shaking his head. He pulled off his gold shirt, making an impromptu sling, and started collecting as many berries as he could get his hands on. With more hands working, the humans collected a decent load into his shirt that he tied off and carried over his shoulder like a gunny sack. Jim looked to Ruud with a nod of thanks, wondering why the Tuataran was giving them any help at all after seeming off-put by their presence early on. Maybe Ruud understood they offered him no challenge to his position as a 'Chosen' but just wanted to get through this alive.

Eating their impromptu meal while still on the movie, Jim kept an eye on Bones as much as their surroundings, worried about the doctor even though he knew Bones had made it through the Academy's courses on survival. Jim felt keenly his responsibility to his entire away team, and there was a pit inside him that would remain until he knew for certain that Nyota was safe and unharmed. But Bones... Jim felt a particular protective feeling for him that had little to do with Bones' ability to take care of himself. It had a lot more to do with the strength of their friendship, everything they had pulled together between them in the years they had known each other.

The fact was Jim knew there was _more_ that just friendship, even if Bones had long since told him that it couldn't happen. Yet that hadn't stopped Jim from growing more attached, hadn't stopped him from feeling something deeper than he'd known before, an emotion he consciously couldn't name but felt for Bones and Bones alone. That attachment was something he avoided in his life, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't avoid it with Bones. They gravitated together, opposites and as linked as deeply as the idea of F,ate.

Fate that the old Vulcan on Delta Vega had made into some sort of unavoidable reality.

But he couldn't think about that right now, what Fate might have in mind for them. They had a long way to go, and it was only getting harder as the sun rose overhead. The sheer physical requirement of dealing with the heat and the tough terrain was clearly starting to get to everyone, including Ruud. Jim wished he had a machete almost as much as he wished he had his phaser because getting through the thick undergrowth was building a rapidly growing ache in his arms.

A small noise in the distance set Ruud looking, still slithering forward but Jim could see that the previously steady flicker of Ruud's tongue had increased, poking through the air with rapid motions. Jim wished he could remember more about snakes, because Ruud acted very similar to one. "What is it?"

"There is something following us I cannot see," Ruud responded, a soft hiss the translator barely picked up. Jim gave a small hand gesture to his team.

Bones found his way to Jim's side along with Yamaguchi and Vickers, a worried look on his face. "Ruud's picked up something, something's following us," Jim whispered softly to the three. The doctor turned his head slightly, as if trying to determine where the danger was, but the noise Ruud heard was too faint for human ears. The concern on Ruud's face was obvious, though, as he picked up his pace again, the men moving at a near-jog to get away from whatever was chasing them.

Then it struck. Jim only got a glimpse out of the corner of his eye - something _massive_ , the size of a freight train, coming straight at them, before he screamed out, "RUN!"

It was no contest. The small group took off together, but the creature gained on them rapidly despite its difficulty moving through the jungle. Ruud suddenly went up a tree, leaping up to a height that would have impressed Jim if he wasn't busy running for his life. He grabbed a handful of thick bramble in his way and shoved it aside--

Then there was nothing under his feet, just a feeling almost like leaping, _flying_ , before gravity took over. Jim didn't even have time to absorb the information that he was falling before he slammed into the side of the cliff, fingers desperately grasping for any holding at all. A moment later his shirt was choking him, and he turned his head up to see Yamaguchi grasping it, trying to get a better grip as Jim tried to shove his toes into a foothold.

Yamaguchi got an arm under his, barely holding up his weight. "I can't hold you!" Yamaguchi cried out, "get some weight on your legs!"

"Trying!" Jim gasped out, but the collar of his shirt was wrapped tight around his throat, cutting off his air. Something crashed above his head and he heard Yamaguchi curse and whatever had been chasing them suddenly flew over their heads. Jim twisted to see it, a creature with long green-brown fur and eye stalks, now falling thousands of feet down beneath him. It felt like time stopped until he heard the quiet, dull thud from a distance.

Slowly, Jim looked back up to an equally stunned Yamaguchi, and together they got Jim back up on top of the cliff. Time resumed its normal speed for the men laying on the ground, panting as they caught their breaths. Bones ran up, staggering to a stop before he looked over both of them, his face frowning at the scratches and cuts on their hands and arms. He gave Jim a little glare that Jim immediately recognized, the one he got it every time he walked into Sickbay after an injury on one of these missions. He suffered under it, but when they started to go back looking for Vickers and Ruud, he fell into step beside Bones. "Wasn't my fault," Jim muttered. "See what you do when a giant mammoth thing is chasing you down."

Bones didn't answer, just kept walking. A full minute passed before he spoke. "I don't have anything with me," Bones finally bit back, just as quiet. "I can't do anything if you get hurt." Then he walked faster, catching up with Yamaguchi and walking beside him.

Jim couldn't have felt worse if a mule kicked him in the chest. He sighed, the adrenaline running out of his veins catching up with him and making him feel exhausted. He moved along behind the other two men, feeling every bruise and cut on his body as they struggled through the jungle again. He understood why Bones was angry, even if he didn't think it was fair. _Shouldn't have brought him at all. He'd be safe back on the ship_. But so would he, and Yamaguchi, and Vickers. Danger was part of Starfleet and something everyone knew could happen at any time. A part of him knew he wasn't being fair at all to Bones, who was no weakling, but that didn't stop the guilt and resolve that came with thinking Bones' place should have been back on the _Enterprise_. He was a doctor, not a diplomat, after all.

They regrouped quickly enough. Vickers found Ruud first, and Yamaguchi began telling Vickers what had happened between him and the Captain. Ruud was watching them all with an expression Jim couldn't read, but when they started off again to find a way around the gorge where Jim had almost fallen to his death, the Tuataran stayed beside the group. They climbed to the top of a huge series of boulders, scouting out the area. Jungle as far as Jim could see, dipping up and down in what he could only guess was a series of canyons and ravines, all enclosed by mountains. Ruud pointed to the peak that was most directly in front of them, a short peak compared to some of the monstrous ones near it, and told them that was their destination - the home of the Eye and the temple that honored it. Jim tried to memorize where the mountain was compared to the sun's path in the sky, but without being familiar with the movement of this planet's sun he couldn't be sure he was right. It didn't seem all that far away, the base of the mountain, but Jim knew it was only playing tricks with his eyes. The rough jungle, those other ravines, would all make it hell to reach the seemingly short distance.

Eventually they found a shallow, slanting cut into the side of the ravine that would let them walk down. It was slow going though, single file and all of them had to press against the stone at their back as they inched along. He was pouring sweat by the time they got down to the bottom of the ravine, which seemed to curve in the direction they wanted to go. Even at the bottom they had to stay mostly in a single file line, following along the edge of a murky looking sliver of black-green water no bigger than any creek he knew in Iowa. Ruud proclaimed some sort of flesh-eating, tiny creatures lived in the silt-filled water.

Nice to know even the water was out to kill them. Out of the corner of his eye from where he studied the creek, Jim saw Ruud look up, tilting his head as if listening carefully with the slits on the side of his head that served as his ears.

It happened fast as lightning. Their eyes met and Jim saw something he hadn't yet seen in the Tuataran - _fear. Shit_. Instinctively Jim looked for Bones, still walking ahead beside Yamaguchi, and then back at Ruud, who started to hiss loudly and make the universal sign for 'hit the ground'.

"DOWN DOWN," Jim yelled, watching as his team began reacting.

The whole scene took less than a second, but it felt like far longer than that. Jim could see dirt and leaves lifting from the ground as a shimmering length of _something_ popped up, moving at them fast. He saw the Tuataran throw himself to the ground. He saw Yamaguchi fall, pulling Bones down with him, the two of them getting tripped up with Ruud. Jim hit his knees and rolled onto his back, calling out for Vickers to get low... just in time to see the shining wire pass through the man's body, and Vickers fall to the ground in two pieces, dead.

For a moment all Jim heard was his own breathing, loud and labored. _Darius_. It wasn't the first death Jim had ever seen, but this was his man, his crew, now laying on the ground bleeding out, bisected into two pieces. It took a moment for him to remember where he was, snapped out of his nightmare by a groan to his left.

Bones found his way to Jim's side in a matter of seconds, his face frozen in horror at the sight of Vickers. "Oh fuck," Bones muttered softly, making his way toward the body. Jim turned from the sight, nauseated as the ground grew more and more red with blood. Vickers was dead; he fucking didn't need the doctor to tell him that.

"Doc, can you look at this?" Jim and Bones turned their attention to Yamaguchi, who was attempting to help their guide. "He's hurt."

Bones made it to the Tuataran before Jim did, trying to examine the injury immediately. "Let me look at his, okay? I'm a doctor. I can help." The hisses and snaps crackled through Jim's translator, and Ruud looked surprised, shocked... but he stopped fighting them.

Close up now, Jim could see Ruud's injury - the last segment of his tail was neatly clipped off. Thick blue blood poured out of the wound, mixing purple-black on the ground with some of Vickers' and Jim took a few steps back, needing to think. "Can you get him fixed?" he asked Bones, not recognizing the sound of his own voice. Dead, emotionless.

"Yeah, I think so," Bones sighed tiredly, but looking focused as he knelt on the ground. He ripped off part of his sleeve to make a bandage, and began binding Ruud's wound.

"Do it." Natural leadership instinct took over, words easier now. Jim could be horrified later; right now he had to be captain. "Yamaguchi, with me."

Yamaguchi followed the captain toward Vicker's body, both men still shocked at the sight of someone who'd been alive seconds ago. "Saved my life on our last mission," Jim murmured to himself. And now Darius Vickers was dead, on some strange planet his family had never even heard of. "See if you can find something to- to dig," Jim said to Yamaguchi. "I'll get his personal possessions."

It took almost an hour to bury Vickers properly, but Jim didn't want his grave desecrated by wild animals, if it was possible. Ruud seemed confused about what they were doing, but didn't complain and eventually even helped, looking solemn. Jim wondered if it was because he was exhausted from heat and blood loss, if he could understand a sign of respect for the dead, or some combination of both. They were all filthy by the time they were done, a shallow grave and a marker made up of a large stone. The numbness had settled in deep by that time, and Jim was grateful for it.

He stood up from his crouch and looked to Bones, Yamaguchi, and Ruud. They were all staring at him, looking to be a leader, and so that was what he did. "We need to keep moving, or we'll never make it and Vickers'll have died for nothing." Jim wondered if that wasn't already true, but hid that thought somewhere deep in his chest where it settled as a heavy lump. "This whole place seems trapped, we'll need to be on our toes."

Considering that they all needed a show of confidence that none of them felt, Jim took place at the head of the group, walking as quickly as he could manage in the heat. After several moments, he heard the group start to move behind him to catch up. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bones trying to wipe blood from his hands without success, and the thought of cleaning brought the thought of water. That only cued his mind to think how thirsty he was.

"Ruud," Jim started, waiting until the snakeman looked at him. "We need to find a source of clean water. Are there any rivers or streams you know of?" Ones hopefully not infested with creatures that would eat them alive.

The question ended with Ruud tasting the air again, heading turning with each flicker of his tongue. "There is a body of fresh water some distance away. We'll pass near it on our way to the valley."

The sun was near overhead, and Ruud made rude hissing noises as he looked up that Jim didn't need a translator. _The light of Vioniss_ , Jim remembered Ruud calling it before with a sneer. Right now, as the heat of the day began bearing down, Jim wasn't too fond of it either, though it had to be worse for the normally night-dwelling Tuataran. Thankfully, they heard the sound of running water sooner than expected, growing louder as they headed in that direction. A collective sigh went out when they came upon the river, but Ruud surprised him once more by stopping them all and tasting it first with a flick of his long tongue, before nodding and hissing his assent. "Is sweet," the translator chirped.

"Don't drink too fast," Bones said gruffly. Jim knew that Bones knew all these men would already know better than to do that, but being a doctor was a hard habit to break. They all drank deeply, and once everyone finished, they all stepped into the water and washed off, cooling their bodies as well. Jim could see how tired they were, everyone quiet and in shock over Vicker's death. He stepped over to Bones, and nudged him.

"Talk to me," Jim said quietly. Despite their not-quite-argument earlier, it didn't stop Jim from being worried. Worried about how Bones was taking the death of Vickers, how he was dealing with their situation. Maybe, just a little, he needed to talk as well.

Bones looked past him, toward the other side of the river. "Fuckin' useless way to die." His face looked shadowed for a moment. "What are we doing here, Jim?"

"Right now? Surviving." It wasn't meant to be happy, just a fact they couldn't escape. "Or do you mean the bigger picture?"

"I mean, hell, I don't know what I mean." He turned to Jim, staring at him like he was looking for some answers, and hoping Jim had them. "How are _you_ doing, Captain?" Somehow when Bones said it like that, he made the title sound more intimate than his given name.

"Lost a man." It summed up a little of everything yet said nothing at all. They had to survive, get through whatever this was or find a way to get back to the _Enterprise_ through pure damn luck. "Otherwise, all I can do is be until we get out of this."

Bones looked worried, as if there was more he wanted to ask, but he didn't. Maybe he knew this wasn't the time or the place. Maybe he didn't know what to ask. Eventually, he just reached out, a warm hand on Jim's shoulder. "That lizard over there's a tough thing. Didn't want my help, couldn't seem to get why I wanted to help him." He watched as the group all stood, preparing to keep moving. "That tail injury, its gotta hurt like hell."

"Nothing we can do for now, unless we can get some local medicine advice from Ruud," Jim said, which seemed like the best possible thing to do for now. "Some more information about more food in this jungle would be good, too." He looked up through the trees at the sun overhead and swayed slightly in place. The heat was oppressive, squeezing oxygen from the lungs and playing with the mind. Even cooled off slightly from the water, the humidity made it a futile gesture.

"What do you think happens if we don't make it there by morning after next?" Bones asked, as they joined the others.

That was something he wasn't actively trying to think about. "We figure out a new plan, fast." Jim gave a weak smile towards Bones, then looked to Ruud. "We need to find out more about this jungle. Medicines, food... anything that can help us out here." He had to trust that if his instincts were right and even if Ruud wasn't an adult yet, that Ruud would at least _know_ these things.

Ruud looked back at Jim, curious and unsure and a little unsettled. Jim wondered if seeing Vickers killed, or even his own brush with death hadn't shaken him up a bit. "Berries, can eat berries," he began as they started crossing the river at a shallow point. The idea of jungle medicine didn't seem too important to the Tuataran, which made Jim wonder if most injuries were lethal, or if the adolesent was covering his own lack of knowledge. The latter seemed more realistic, especially the more Jim listened to Ruud talk.

They moved quickly, the formation of the group tighter than before, with different men taking their turn at point.

 

By the time night fell, everyone was exhausted. Jim could see it in not only the humans in the group but in Ruud as well. The humans bore cuts on their hands, arms, and legs that no uniform could have stopped, bruises from dealing with branches and climbing and hanging from cliffs, an array of bug bites, and sunburns across any exposed parts of their bodies. Jim could feel the burn throbbing across the bridge of his nose and cheeks, keeping him feeling hotter than he should have as the sun disappeared over the horizon.

Jim was relieved when Ruud stopped and pointed downwards on a steep hill, declaring it the valley they had been searching for. They saw how it would be considered a good stop for the night - an area as protected as they'd seen the whole day, with some ledges sticking out of the side of the hill that could provide cover for the night. There was a hint of gleam that suggested a source of water, that was good, and what Jim hoped were more of those berries or something more substantial. Maybe they could have some food ready for the next day's trip.

But they needed more tonight. "These berries aren't going to be enough to keep us going," Jim said quietly to Yamaguchi and Bones, sitting attempting to make fire on the few pieces of dried wood he could find. Ruud was staring at him from across their small camp as if he had lost his mind. "We need some better source of food if we're going to survive in this heat." For all the vegetation, there were startlingly few animals in the lush jungle, though now that it was getting dark they could hear strange noises in the distance.

Bones shook his head, then got up, and headed toward Ruud, sitting down beside him. Even without the translator between them, it wasn't hard to figure out that Bones wanted to check on Ruud's injured tail and that the Tuataran didn't like that idea at all. "Look," he heard Bones speaking loud and slow, as if it would make Ruud magically understand him. "I just want to check it. For infection." Ruud was keeping his tail close to his body, and it wasn't until they stared at each other for a long time that he uncurled his tail and allowed Bones to look at it.

Jim let out the breath he was unconsciously holding. Bones hadn't quite shed that little streak of xenophobia in him, but above all else, the man was a doctor. Jim couldn't have been more grateful for that.

"Ruud," Jim asked, as his hands rubbed the stick between them more and more rapidly, trying desperately to get an ember going, "do you have any other ideas than berries for food? We won't be able to handle another day of hiking and that heat on berries."

He was surprised enough to slow down his fire-making attempt at what he swore was a look and hiss of confusion from the Tuataran. "There is food all around us. Are you incapable of catching it?"

Catching it? Did Ruud expect them to trap one of the animals out in the jungle? Jim was hesitant in answering. "We don't have the resources to trap or hunt down something like that-"

"You have two hands. What more is needed?" Ruud asked. He looked to Bones and jerked his tail slightly, clearly wanting to be free of the doctor's hands. Bones let go, shaking his head at the lizard creature and headed over toward the water, kneeling to wash his hands. Jim wondered how much the snake's tail hurt, and after what Uhura had said about their body language, if it would impair his ability to talk to other Tuatarans. Suddenly, Jim saw exactly what he was looking for and tilted the tiny ember into the pile of tinder he had pulled together. One gentle blow later, and he almost cheered as the ember took and a fire began. He coaxed it to a larger one, relaxing slightly.

It was then that Bones returned back to the group. "What sort of animals are we looking for?" He looked down at the fire, and Jim was sure he saw some approval in Bones' face as they began to add larger branches and dead leaves to the fire, wanting to work it up.

Ruud slithered over and put something on the ground by Jim's tiny fire. It was a very, very large beetle-like creature on its back, trying to flip over. "See? Plenty of food."

From the corner of his eye, Jim could see Bones' face go pale, and despite the difficult situation, it made him want to laugh. "Well, there we go," Jim nodded with understanding, trying hard to ignore Bones' eyes. Not his favorite form of protein, but it was better that starving.  
Survival class 101 said to eat anything that wouldn't kill you to stay alive, and insects were high on the list of things that could keep a man alive for a long time and were readily available almost anywhere in the universe. "Okay men, let's set up a foraging team. Yamaguchi, you go look for some fruit or something. I'm gonna follow Ruud and collect as many of these little treats as I can. Bones," he added, a tired smile on his face at this bit of levity, "you finish making camp."

There were nods all around, a few grumbles from the doctor's direction, and they made their way out into the surrounding jungle slowly. Surely there were things they could eat out here, hopefully something that wasn't poisonous. At least they had someone native to the area who could tell them if their meal would leave them sick or dead by morning.

Unfortunately, aside from the plentiful bugs, what they found was meager. Ruud looked it over what Adam had scrounged up, removed two of a purple-red fruit he'd found, and nodded at the rest. Jim marked in his mind that the purple-red fruit was off the menu and divided up what remained, along with a handful of fat beetles, roasting on sticks in the fire.

Watching the lizard pop them into his mouth whole, Jim twitched a little. When his own stick was ready, he flipped them over, removed the legs and head, then tried it for himself. Not the worst thing he'd ever had, and judging from the look on Yamaguchi's face, he agreed.

Bones appeared to be the lone hold out. "I'm fine," he replied to any offers of a roast beetle, with a look of pained politeness on his face. Jim could read him like a book, knew the stubborn doctor was hungry, but... instead Jim just gave him the last bit of his fruit. Roast beetle wasn't the most satisfying meal he'd ever enjoyed, but at least his body felt better afterward.

When the bugs and fruit had all been eaten, they sat down near the warm fire, the heat of the day replaced by what was turning out to be a surprisingly cool night. "What can you tell us about the rest of the journey?" Jim asked, recalling that Ruud had known about this protected valley. "What's tomorrow gonna look like?"

The clicks and hisses translated slowly through Jim's device. "There is more like this. Large river, was told, then many dangers."

"What does that mean, many dangers?" Bones asked, looking at Ruud, whose tail curled slightly when the doctor spoke.

"Was told, when preparing for journey, many dangers are on the second day." The Tuataran seemed to be relaxing a little as he explained, more comfortable with his human companions. "Must rest, must sleep under protection of Cyli, or I will not make the mountain by the third rise of the sun. Walk with Vioniss, sleep with Cyli. That is what I was told," he repeated, seeming insistent on that, seeming much younger now than he had earlier.

It made Jim wonder how old Ruud was, in comparison to the others they'd met so far. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, then looked around at what remained of this away team. "Why are we here, with you?"

"Any who survive this path will become one of Cyli's Chosen. They work in the great Temple where She shines brightest of all. They are the ones who serve Her in Her palace when life has ended." Ruud bowed his head as if in respect, then looked up at Jim and the others. "I do not know why you are here."

"It's their religion," Bones shook his head and folded his hands in front of him. "A test to make them priests of this goddess of theirs." Made sense, when Bones said it. A test of strength and cunning to become a priest for their goddess of the moon. They would have to have to fight against Vioniss by walking during the day and sleeping at night. A rite steeped in legend and danger, and Jim wondered how much blood.

Jim frowned, thinking through on that line of reasoning. "Maybe we're here because we need to prove ourselves too."

"So what, does that mean Darius wasn't worth being chosen?" Yamaguchi asked, a bitter tone to his voice. "This is all bullshit, Captain, and I just want to get out of here." With that, the security officer turned and began setting up a place for himself to sleep.

Jim looked over his shoulder at Yamaguchi, wanting to say something comforting, but knew it would only be insulting in the state Yamaguchi was in. Vickers should be with them, should be back on the _Enterprise_ by now instead of laying dead and cold in alien soil. But there was nothing he could do to change it, and only time would ease Yamaguchi's anger. For now, Jim had to get all the information he could and he wasn't done with Ruud yet. "Okay, so is there another place like this tomorrow night? Is that where we're heading for?"

Ruud's muscular back rippled. "Was told there was another safe place to rest, away from the _Hysilssa_. Moves in the dark, must be silent in the dark."

"Is that why we're traveling in the heat of the day?" Bones asked, proving he was actually listening, not just sitting there looking at the trees. "Would make more sense to walk now, when its cool."

"Agreed, but if there's a reason... what's this-" Jim fumbled on the hissing, untranslated word, "Hysila?"

"The _Hysilssa_ is ancestor. Cyli put all effort into making the _Hysilssa_ , told it to have many eggs and spread itself across the world. _Hysilssa_ became Tuataran. Is Mother and Father, but eats young. Is very dangerous, very fast. It protects Her temple, protects the jungle." Ruud's voice had gone respectful again while Jim's insides had gone cold.

So there was some giant monster between them and their goal. If the legend, and it definitely came across as a legend, was true, a snake or reptile-like monster. Great. He looked across the fire to Bones, then nodded. "As bad as it is, if this _Hysilssa_ is asleep during the day, we need to travel then." Jim leaned forward, another thought entering his head. "If we're not supposed to move at night, how do we make it to that place, where ever it is, by sunrise?"

Ruud looked at him a moment before answering. "Was told," he said again slowly, as if the constant questioning was getting to him, "was told that Cyli's Eye was above the place of rest. Must move fast," he said to Jim, "in that time when Cyli and Vioness see each other. Must move fast to reach the Eye."

Jim looked to his team, to the injured Ruud, and sighed. "We'll need to take turns staying awake and watching out for danger. I want the three of you to get some sleep, I'll take first watch." He settled his back in against the rock enclave, so he could rest while still watching in the pool of firelight that made the trees sway menacingly just beyond its reach. Ruud moved away, curling up into a ball on the far end of the camp, and Yamaguchi was soon asleep, head tucked into his arms.

But Bones headed over to where Jim was sitting and got comfortable next to him. He poked at the ground with a stick, then turned to face Jim. "Hell of a story that kid's got, eh?" he asked, his expression hard to read so far away from the firelight.

Jim glanced up, surprised, and nodded. "Yeah, it is. Sounds like it could have a kernel of truth in it. If they evolved or descended from some creature... well, there's still monkeys on Earth after all."

That brought a chuckle out of Bones. "Guess you can look at it like that." Another minute passed before he continued. "I can't remember the last time I felt so fucking useless, Jim. Seeing Vickers like that." He shook his head, and tossed the stick in his hands onto the ground, a frustrated noise coming from him.

"Yeah. There wasn't even time to react other than dropping like a rock." Jim's eyes closed, and he let out a breath. "So much blood..." The look on Vickers' face would haunt his nightmares, he was sure of it. "Nothing we could have done, least not being stuck here in this shit." He slumped, then pushed down with his shoulders to work the ache out of them.

Bones nudged at him, resting a hand on Jim's shoulder, squeezing lightly. "You okay?" he asked, catching Jim's eyes.

"'bout as good as I can be," Jim said, hoping that the undercurrent of worry didn't come through. He was worried Yamaguchi would blame him for what happened even though it was something that could have happened to any of them. Worried that Vickers wouldn't be the only one of them that didn't make it. Worried _none_ of them would make it. No different than the worries the others had, Jim knew, but he was _responsible_ for them as their captain. It would be forever a part of him, just as Vickers' death already was. But there was something worse, almost like a poison, that made him whisper, "Just glad it wasn't you."

The hand on Jim's shoulder stilled, then squeezed again, Bones' thumb pressing small circles into the nape of Jim's neck. Jim could hear Bones' breathing slow down, the heat of his hand through his undershirt. Jim's hand snuck up and finally laid itself over top of Bones', Jim still staring into the firelight. For years now they had been friends, as close as friends could be without crossing the invisible barrier Bones had set up between them. A barrier with holes and flexed in certain places but one Bones always kept up and Jim did his best to respect. Better friends than nothing at all, Jim decided long ago, but that didn't stop him from feeling some certain things he wouldn't even admit to himself.

Even with the others nearby, the urge to turn around and kiss Bones, like he'd wanted to so many times before, was strong. But they weren't alone, and Bones had rejected kisses under less intense pressure many times before. Just wanted to convey some feeling of something stronger, something words couldn't expression and he couldn't say. But for now, he let the language of their hands talk, one on top of the other.

A minute of silence passed. Jim started to speak, to ease the sudden tension he had put in the air between them, when he heard Bones lean in and whisper, "I'm not goin' anywhere," so quiet no one else could hear.

Everyone else left in his life for some reason or another - his mother, Sam, his father, his Aunt and Uncle on Tarsus - but for some reason, he believed Bones. Believed that he would stay when no one else had. The words made Jim relax, closing his eyes. "I know." But he couldn't let down his guard. "Go rest now, Bones. I'm taking first watch."

Bones shook his head, folding his leg in front of him. "I'll watch with you, keep you company."

"No," Jim said, looking back over at him. He gave him a nudge toward the others. "Go sleep."

"I'm not tired, Jim," Bones replied, holding back a yawn without success. "And you need as much sleep as the others."

Jim had gone for much longer than this without sleep, and Bones knew it, but he wasn't going to argue about that right now. "Look, I'll watch three hours then wake up Adam."

"Two hours, and you wake up me, okay?" Bones gave him that look. "I wanna see with my own eyes that you're getting the sleep you need."

Jim chuckled a little to himself. That look always made him feel good, like someone gave a shit about him. "Okay, I'll get you up in two hours, only if you get your ass over there right now."

Bones touched his shoulder once more, then lifted himself up, not looking back as he settled close to the fire and rested his head on the ground. Jim could see his chest rising and lowering, and smiled to himself as he leaned back against a tree, getting comfortable.

These were his men, even Ruud, and fuck if he was gonna lose any one else.

 

Morning came with the scream of a bird in the distance, jerking Jim awake. Across their small camp he caught sight of Yamaguchi reacting just as quickly, actually getting to his feet and reaching for a phaser that wasn't there. Jim looked around but saw nothing of immediate danger, then let out a breath to calm his racing heart. Yamaguchi had been on watch, and Jim wondered by the expression on his face if the man had started to doze off. Jim didn't say anything, didn't blame the man for it. Already it was getting blisteringly hot, and he could just barely see the sun over the edge of the trees. They would need to get back under the trees and the shade they provided even if it meant more cover for approaching danger.

Jim looked over at Bones and Ruud, worried how Bones had slept. Twice during the night he heard Bones murmuring in his sleep, something he had heard the doctor do a few times during finals and stress tests while they were in the Academy. Ruud was moving now, and Jim could see his cautiousness in the slow, methodical way the snakeman stood, testing the air with his tongue. He nodded at Yamaguchi, who gave a quick nod back, and Jim wondered how long the Tuataran had been awake.

"Captain," Yamaguchi said quietly as Jim approached him. "All quiet, nothing unusual." They shared a look between them, with Jim able to read a hesitation in Yamaguchi's voice that told him his assumption about the man having dozed off to be right. Jim gave a little smile back, silently forgiving him, and saw Yamaguchi's shoulders slump slightly. They both turned at the sound of Bones sitting up, rubbing his face. "Morning, Doc," Yamaguchi said in a lighter tone as Bones stood, glared at Jim, and began walking away toward the treeline.

The glare seemed to confuse Yamaguchi, but Jim understood it perfectly. It was for the doctor's own good that they had let him sleep through his watch during the night, dividing the shifts between himself and Yamaguchi in some unspoken agreement. Not waking Bones up would keep them all safer, Jim rationalized, because the one doctor in their group needed to be the least sleep deprived should someone need medical help.

Or at least, that was what Jim told himself. He crouched down to work the fire back up so they could force down some more food before they had to get moving again, ignoring the sound of Bones taking a piss over by the trees.

But then Bones called his name in a loud whisper, so Jim glanced up from the stick in his hand. Bones beckoning him over to where he stood, zipping himself up.

"Yeah?" Jim asked, confused, walking toward him.

Bones pointed down at the ground about five feet in front of them, to a large puddle of mud. "Look at the size of it," he whispered, astonished.

Jim stared down at what Bones was pointing at, unable to wrap his mind around it at first. Then, all at once, it hit him. It wasn't a puddle of mud. It was a giant footprint sunk into the soft mud. The print were probably a yard across, and he could see the tips of claws or talons that punctured deep into the ground. Worse, there wasn't just one. He could see another beyond the one they were standing beside. It made him think of the creature Ruud told them of, and he felt his stomach sink. "...Could it have been that thing Ruud was talking about...?"

"Got fucking close, if that's what it was. So much for a safe place to rest." There was silence as both men tried to imagine the danger they had been in. "You didn't wake me up."

Jim didn't look up from where he was trying to calculate the distance between this print and the next one he could see. "...No."

Bones was silent until Jim was done figuring. When he looked up, Bones asked, "Did you sleep?"

"Once Yamaguchi took over," Jim said, gesturing with his head for Bones to give him a second. Not like they were going to get much in the way of privacy anyway, and he needed to relieve himself. "I'm fine."

"You promised you'd wake me up," Bones retorted, walking and waiting a few feet away. "I'm not some fragile kid out here, Jim."

"Didn't promise I would, I said I would," Jim shot right back. "You're the only one of us that matters if one of us gets hurt again. You need the sleep."

"Yeah, stupid me for thinking your word meant anything," Bones growled as walked away, heading back to the others. Dammit, the last thing Jim wanted was to be fighting with Bones. Not like this, with Bones being a stubborn ass when Jim was just trying to what he thought was best.

Jim finished up and walked back, and in silence the group ate some more of the fruit and berries, and Yamaguchi, Jim, and Ruud ate another round of the beetles fished from between the rocks. "We need to get as far as we can before high noon, or we won't make it to where Ruud says is safe for tonight," Jim said as Yamaguchi made sure the fire was completely out. There were a few grunts and a hiss of agreement, before they started out again.

The small group headed in the direction Ruud led them, toward the mountain they had seen the previous day. It loomed before them in the distance and Jim wasn't entirely sure they'd be able to make it in a day's march, especially in this heat. But Ruud was moving fast, making good time, and Jim was thankful for the few hours of sleep he'd been able to get.

Soon it started raining, slow at first, then harder, and within ten minutes they were soaked to the bone. Now the jungle was hot and wet, so humid it was difficult to breathe. They were sliding on slick leaves, sticking in the mud until all of them were cursing, even Ruud in his hissing tongue. It was even more tiring than the day before, and all Jim could hear was the rain around them and thunder that was getting closer. A loud noise from the right side made them all turn around. Ruud shouted something that the translator couldn't make out, but the wide-eyed, open mouthed look on his face was all Jim needed to know that they needed to get out of here, now.

Then it was there upon them, twice the size of an elephant, but long, very long, with a tail thick as a tree trunk, armored in slick black and green scales. The _Hysilssa_ , had to be. It lumbered toward them, knocking down shrubs and branches, making a terrible sibilant noise. Running as fast as they could, the men took off for cover, Jim watching each one dive under brush to keep out of sight before he did the same behind a fallen log. The creature's head lifted as it slowed to a stop, an enormous tongue flicking out, tasting the air. The sheer size of it was immense, awe-inspiring and terrifying. _It's looking for us_ , Jim realized, his heart stopping as he saw the _Hysilssa_ slowly turn in the direction that Yamaguchi and Bones had gone. _No, no, no..._

"HSSSSSSSS!" A loud noise from his left got Jim's attention, and he turned his head to see Ruud up in a tree, head up defiantly, his tail shaking a branch up and down viciously. Jim didn't understand at first, then realized all at once that the Tuataran was trying to get the beast's attention.

"No, don't!" Jim whispered loudly to Ruud. He saw their lizard guide glance once at him, then stand his full height, facing down the monster before he took off slithering as fast as he could. The _Hysilssa_ roared - there was no other term he could think of for the sound it made - then took after Ruud faster than any creature that size should have been able to move.

And then they were gone.

Jim waited another minute after the _Hysilssa_ vanished from sight before he got up, still not believing what he saw. Ruud had saved them, gotten the attention away from them so they could escape at the possible cost of his life. It was the most heroic damn thing Jim had ever seen, and he couldn't even say 'thank you'. Picking up his head, he saw the other men emerging from their spots as well, all of them covered in mud and leaves, all of them with the same shocked expressions.

"Can you believe that?" Bones said with a hard to read look on his face, still speaking in a low voice as they gathered.

Jim kept his eyes peeled in the direction Ruud had run - thankfully the opposite of their goal. Another choice that Ruud made to give them a real chance at escape. "That kid saved us," he answered with a tone of respect, then clasped each man on the shoulder, glad to see them unhurt. Jim tried to find better words to sum up what Ruud had done, almost like a eulogy, but when nothing came he said instead, "Let's hope he makes it." Looking ahead at the jungle they were heading into, he added, "Best not linger here. Let's go."

No one spoke for a while as they walked. Ruud hadn't spoken much to any of them, preferring to keep to himself, but his presence was missed, a sense of loss to their traveling party that all men seemed to feel. Perhaps each was thinking of the sacrifice the young Tuataran had made, and wanted to make the most of it by going as fast as they could. But Jim couldn't help but worry they were getting off the path without Ruud's guidance as they approached a chasm in the ground, like the one he'd almost fallen in the day before. There appeared to be a way across down to the right, so they headed that way, discovering a cave-like tunnel that Jim hoped would lead them to the other side.

"What do you think?" Yamaguchi asked, taking a hesitant step toward the opening of the cave.

"Only one way to find out," Jim answered grimly. "Its not like we've got many other options." So the three of them made slow steps into the cave, the cool dampness the only thing about this situation that Jim liked.

It was dark in the tunnel, the smell of the wet stone permeating everything. They moved single-file along the rock path, Jim taking rear position and Yamaguchi in front. The tunnel was so roughly cut, and just the right size that Jim's all too active imagination believed that maybe the _Hysilssa_ had been the one to carve the tunnel out like some monstrous worm. With a shudder, Jim shook that image right out of his mind. All too quickly though, the light began to disappear from view. Jim called out for the other two to remove their shirts, and he tied their sleeves together to quickly make a rope. He slid the material through their belts to keep their hands free. So while it couldn't have held them up if one should fall, it would keep them from getting separated.

Then, the light vanished. Yamaguchi, he could hear, was feeling his way along with hands and feet. A dangerous situation, Jim considering going back for a piece of wood to make a torch. It could have only been minutes they were in the tunnel, but it felt like an eternity. Just moving slowly, step by step to make sure they didn't trip or fall into a crevice, with Yamaguchi's quiet words from the front giving them direction as they felt their way like blind men. Only the faint speck of light in the distance gave them a direction to go, a hope that they would find their way out.

Just when it felt like this was foolish, like he had led them the wrong way, Jim realized that the pinpoint of light was growing. Yamaguchi called out to them, verifying what Jim hoped - they were almost through to the other side of the tunnel. With some hope in his heart, nestled along side of worry for Ruud, Jim followed their man-and-shirt train towards the exit.

Suddenly the ground below felt strange, and they stopped moving. It reminded Jim of an almost strange spongy feeling, but more than that- no. _No_. He felt the ground moving under him. Rocks began shifting above them, filling the air with dust until the distant light of the exit was hard to see. Reaching for the wall to steady himself, Jim called out to the others, "Get out of here, RUN!" The three of them ran toward the light, but even as they got close, close enough he could see green on the other side, Jim heard Yamaguchi scream, "Look out!"

Jim looked up through the dim light just in time to see a chunk of the ceiling break loose, heading straight for Bones. Jim's eyes widened as he saw Bones looking the other way, not seeing the danger that was about to come crashing down on him. Jim ran, as fast as he could, slamming his shoulder into Bones' back and pushing him out of harm's way. The last thing Jim saw was Bones falling in front of him, safe, as rock crashed into the back of his head and then there was nothing.

 

Consciousness returned, in small doses, a splitting white light that stabbed straight into the meat of his brain. There was a hissing, spitting sound like loud white noise, echoing again and again, and Jim gagged on the taste of his own blood. Couldn't seem to get up, something was holding him down even as he tried again and again to rise.

The hissing slowly faded into silence, and he was more afraid of the silence than he was of the hissing. _I'm going deaf. What happened!? Can't breathe...!_

Then the world turned on its edge, and Jim started coughing as something slammed into his back. He spat out blood, keeping his eyes tightly closed. The pulse of his heart matched the pain in his skull, but beyond that, the silence began lifting. He heard his name, faraway as if in a tunnel, echoing in his head. "Jim, don't move." There was a far away moaning sound.

They were carrying him, laying him out on the ground, cool hands examining his back, his head, his abdomen. "Doesn't feel like anything's broken," he heard Bones say. "Jim, if you can hear me, blink." Jim hesitantly opened his eyes and immediately shut them again. Oh, oh... did that hurt. He heard that moaning sound again, and started to realize it was himself.

There was a sigh of relief from Bones. "He's conscious," Bones' voice called out to the other man. "I don't want to move him for a while."

"I hate to argue with you, Doc," Jim could hear Yamaguchi standing a few feet away from them. "But this ground is still unstable, and the tunnel's likely to come down on us. We need to at least get him out of the tunnel." The Security man's voice was persuasive, worried, and soft as if he was afraid his voice might start a chain reaction.

Jim tried to reach up and grab at Bones' shirt, but his hand flopped in a way that reminded him of a fish out of water, uncoordinated and desperate. He started to figure out what was going on - he was hurt, bad. His tongue was bleeding and swollen, and that was all he could taste. He tried to say something to Bones, but had to spit out more blood. Tasted terrible.

"He's not in any shape to move on his own." Bones went silent for several painful heartbeat-pangs in the back of his skull, then growled. "Okay, let's just get him out of here and somewhere safer." Together they managed to get Jim up and between the two of them carried him some unknown distance. Jim's consciousness faded in and out as they moved, but when they stopped, he realized he could hear trickling water. "Let me get this all clean." Jim risked a glance, listening more than watching as Bones tore at his already ripped-up shirt. The cool water helped to revive Jim, though the pain in his head was excruciating as Bones started to gently clean the wound on the back of his head.

"The sun's almost over head," Yamaguchi said. "How are we going to reach the Eye like this?" It wasn't an unkind question, only a statement of fact that with one of them hurt, it would slow them down, and Jim knew it.

 _We need to keep moving, we can't stop because of me_ , Jim tried to tell them, but his voice only grated and choked. He couldn't have been more grateful when Yamaguchi suddenly was there with a cupped hand full of water. He drank it down, but it hurt just to do that and his throat felt clogged with muck. He slowly looked up at Bones again, focusing on his face. "...you 'kay?"

Bones looked angry and scared at the same time. "You got hit on the head back there. You pushed me out of the way, and got yourself hurt." The cleaning started to get more aggressive.

Oh, that hurt. Jim closed his eyes again. "You're okay, though?" No wonder every part of him hurt so badly, but it was worth it. He was pretty sure at least.

Bones was quiet, didn't answer him, so Jim opened his eyes to see what was wrong. Hazel eyes were dark and sad. "I'm fine," Bones said softly, using a bit of the cloth to clean Jim's face. "I wish..." Bones sighed, his fingers tender as they wiped dirt and sweat off Jim's forehead. "I wish you hadn't done that."

A little smile touched Jim's face. "...wouldn't have forgiven myself if you got hurt. How bad is it, doc? Gonna live?" He didn't want Bones to get down, not now. They needed to get through this. Getting hurt and what happened immediately before it was fuzzy to non-existent in his memories, but there had been other similar moments in his life to this, and those memories usually came back to give him a poor night's sleep in the future. Something to look forward to.

His weak attempt at joking got a little snort out of Bones, so he couldn't have been too bad. "Yeah, you'll live, I'm sure there are many more adventures left in you that'll give me a heart attack or two." His face got serious again. "Look, Jim, be honest with me. Can you walk some?"

"Maybe," Jim said honestly, though it took all three of them to get him to his feet, the world swaying dangerously below him.

"I'll help him," Yamaguchi said immediately, and with that offered shoulder helping him stay balanced, Jim could at least stay upright.

Jim looked to Bones and gave a pained smile. "I'll live. But we need to keep moving." Besides, it was a lot easier to focus on their task than focusing on how much his head hurt. There was nothing they could do for now about what had happened, and the heat of the jungle was getting stronger by the minute. Without their guide, who knew how long it would take them to reach their destination tonight. Jim thought about Ruud, wondered if he were making the same journey, or if he'd been caught by the creatures.

Once or twice, as they made their way at a severely reduced speed through the jungle, Jim thought he caught the shadow of something out of the corner of his eye, and hoped it was their young Tuataran friend. But when he turned his aching head, all he saw was the blurred edges of his peripheral vision. It continued throughout the morning as they traveled, Jim being assisted by Yamaguchi, then Bones, then back again in turns to keep them moving as quickly as possible. The landscape around him was getting fuzzy, out of focus. The back of his head throbbed with each step he took.

One of the worst things that could possibly happen was happening, and for the first time in a long time, Jim didn't know what he was going to do. How was he supposed to make it through another day of this, when he couldn't concentrate on anything beyond the edges of his skull? He could still taste blood and played with the sore edge of his bitten tongue, and the landscape was passing as a blur. Sometimes he had to lean on Bones and concentrate just on getting one foot in front of the other, not wanting to keep them from getting to their destination. Wouldn't be the weak one.

At one point Jim stumbled hard over something on the ground and nearly took Bones down with him. He managed to catch himself, just in time, but it was enough to grab the doctor's attention. "Jim, you okay?" Bones asked, looking more closely at him, his face frustrated. "Fuck, what I wouldn't give for a scanner right now."

What good was telling the truth? There was nothing Bones could do to help, and it would just have him worried more. "Just a headache, tired... damn roots on the ground." He tried for a good-natured grin, despite the pounding against his skull. A sick part of him wanted to reach up and feel the knot on his skull he knew to be there under Bones' quickly made bandages.

Bones didn't look like he quite believed him, but he nodded, sadly. "Let's just get where we need to go," he finally said, unhappiness written all over his face.

They continued on, Yamaguchi taking the lead, Bones supporting Jim. A few hours passed and when the sun was at its apex they stopped for a few moments by a stream, Jim resting by the water. By that point, everything was blurry, and Jim's hope that it would get better waned with each unfocused step. Splashing water on his face did nothing but remind him how thirsty he was, and when Bones put some berries in his hand, Jim stared at them, unable to see them clearly without holding them close to his face. _Bones better have gotten the right ones_ , he thought grimly to himself, unfairly to Bones, as he pressed them slowly into his mouth, savoring each bite of food which only made him feel more hungry when he was done.

He shook his head; it didn't matter. This wasn't real hunger, not yet. It hadn't even been two days yet since he had eaten properly. Even if it was berries and bugs, it was still food. Hunger only came when there was nothing at all. At least he could focus on the coolness of the water and rest himself. Blurry vision wasn't the end all of things.

They switched positions, Bones taking the point as Yamaguchi helped Jim walk. Jim suspected Yamaguchi knew how bad his vision was getting, but didn't say anything. The security man just led Jim along as best as he could, finding the clearest path through the rough jungle. It was getting dark now - not for the others, Jim knew that it reality it was mid-day, but for him. Jim's limited vision was starting to falter, and his greatest fears were coming true.

Soon he might not be able to see at all.

Which made it all the more important the small group get as far as they could now. Jim tried to concentrate on Bones' voice ahead of them, his angry muttering over the thick vegetation, or lack of proper diagnostic tools, or just how fucking hungry he was. Then he felt Yamaguchi stop. "Look, there's a big tree that's fallen over," he said in a lowered voice to Jim. "Gonna be hard to climb over, Captain. Let's go this way," he said, leading Jim to the left.

Jim followed, tripping over a vine as they continued on their way. "Shit, sorry," he muttered.

"Watch it, its a little unstable," Yamaguchi continued, his voice tinged with worry as they started moving slower. His feet were getting bogged down, as if they were walking in thick mud, squishing uncomfortably as he felt himself slipping, holding tight onto Yamaguchi. Then it happened, and Jim felt himself falling, waist deep into the sludge, the ground beneath him completely liquid now. Worse yet, he lost Yamguchi's arm, the two of them separated when Jim lost his footing.

"Fuck- no," he called out, reaching out for something to grasp, anything as panic filled him. Everything in front was a blur of light and shadows and he couldn't hear Yamguchi anymore, just a flopping noise, someone panting next to him. "Bones!" he screamed out as loud as he could. "Bones!"

It was at his chest now, his arms getting heavier to lift as he tried to find something to hold on to. "Stay still, I'm almost there!" he heard Bones call out, but Jim wasn't sure who Bones was speaking to. There was a wet _twack_ sound directly in front of him, and when he reached out, his hand wrapped around something, ropey like a piece of vine. "Grab it!" All at once, even in his panic, Jim realized what he was in, and he grabbed for the vine Bones had thrown.

"Where is he?" Jim called out, not hearing anything else from his security officer. "Bones, can you see him?"

"Dammit, Jim, grab it!" Bones called out again. "I can't... reach you..."

Jim's hands tugged the vine, checking to see how secure it was - felt strong enough - and he pulled as hard as he could, but the time spent in the quicksand had sapped most of his remaining strength, and holding on was about as much as he could do. _Gotta get out of here_ , he said to himself. Taking a deep breath, he pulled, feeling his body sliding through the sludge. _Again_. Jim took another breath and pulled again, heaving himself though it until he felt a hand on his arm.

"I got-you... there," Bones exhaled, looping one hand under Jim's arm, pulling him out of the thick mud. "There," he said, both of them flopped on the ground, loudly catching their breath. "Fuck..." Bones sighed quietly. "God fucking dammit!"

"Adam! You've gotta get him!" Jim screamed through a rasp, his world upside down - which way was _up_ anymore?! - as he tried to turn back in Yamaguchi's direction, searching for bright red. "Please, Bones, get him!"

Just panting coming from Bones, a strangled, frustrated noise. "Couldn't, sunk too fast," he said, starting to wipe the sludge off of Jim's body. "I- shit. He's gone, Jim."

No. "No." Jim struggled to get up, focusing on bright blue to grab at Bones' shirt and curl his fingers into the material. "He can't be, Bones. Get _him_." Yamaguchi had saved his life, catching him before he went off the cliff. He couldn't be dead!

But Bones was holding him back. "Sit down!" he said, arms wrapping around Jim to keep him from moving. "It's too late. Fuck, I'm sorry." Hands were holding Jim's face now, Bones right in front of him. "What's wrong with your eyes, Jim?"

Jim struggled to get free until everything seemed to drain out of him all at once. He let out a sound he didn't mean to, ragged and deep in his chest. His head turned to the side, but he couldn't see Bones anymore and it was terrifying. He looked back to Bones, staring at him. He was framed in black, and what he could see was fuzzy. Just dark holes where Bones' eyes should have been. Jim said nothing at all, because there was nothing he _could_ say. His golden tongue deserted him entirely.

Then Bones' arms were around him, and Jim could feel him shaking. "Shit," Bones whispered quietly. "Shit." Bones was the realistic one, most of the time, and hearing him sound so _afraid_ made the knot in his stomach that much worse. "Its gonna be okay, Jim. We're gonna get outta here, I promise." It wasn't hard to hear the fear in his voice, no matter how much Bones seemed to be trying to hide it. "I wish we could stay here until you felt better but we gotta walk now."

"Bones, I can't, how are we..." Jim closed his eyes for a second, trying to focus. He thought about it, what he was supposed to be. He was the Captain, and he had crew that he needed to get safe. Even if it was the last thing he did. Yamaguchi had saved his life, and he had failed to return the favor. He had to save Bones, at least. After a long silence, just their panting against the constant noise of the jungle, Jim whispered, "...Let's go."

Jim opened his eyes, but now there was nothing but darkness.

 

Bones didn't know what to do. They were being hunted on a strange planet, half the away team killed. Jim couldn't see. And Bones had less than a day to get the two of them to the top of that hill in the distance, or they might not ever make it out of here.

It was all up to him now. "Okay. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna keep moving, but slow at first. If you're hurting, dammit, you need to let me know and we'll stop. I don't want to fuck this up any more..." _Any more than he already had_. Jim losing his vision, shit, from an injury that he couldn't fix. _Some fucking doctor_ , he thought to himself. Without his little bag of tools, he was worthless.

But Bones was going to get Jim to the top of that mountain if it killed him. Jim, who was sitting there, looking scared and determined at the same time, and Bones had never been prouder of him than that moment. He reached down and took Jim's hands in his own, and began to pull him up. Jim climbed to his feet, something undefinable lacking in his movements; an amount of grace in his fighter's body was gone in the face of this uncertainty.

Jim's head turned in the direction of Bones but didn't look directly at him. "No stopping," Jim said quietly, his face full of quiet determination. "We need to just get there and do whatever this bullshit is they want us to."

"Okay then," Bones said, squeezing his hand. _Had to sound positive_. "This is the plan. We're gonna beeline for that mountain over there, get as far as we can. I'm gonna grab as many of those berries along the way so we'll have something in our stomachs before we have to climb." One arm circled Jim's waist, pulling him close to his side. "And we're gonna have to figure out the best way to move, together."

Jim leaned into Bones' warmth, but he was tense. It was clear Jim's balance was off. "Just get moving, I'll keep up." Beneath his words were the silent _or die trying_ that neither of them wanted to hear aloud.

It was slow at first, making their way but soon they found a rhythm, taking short, steady steps, with Bones giving quiet directions regarding the trail. He looked for the smoothest path, make it easier for Jim to walk. After a while the jungle began to thin out, and the sounds of running water ahead made Bones both happy and worried. They both needed something to drink, to stave off dehydration, but the moving water sounded fast. A river wasn't what he wanted to deal with right now.

Sure enough, it was moving fast enough that Bones had to think a moment about how to best approach this. "You thirsty?" he asked, leading Jim over to a bank where they could sit a moment and get some water.

"Yeah," Jim said quietly, his usual spark missing in his voice. That told Bones a lot, just how afraid Jim was. Bones had only seen that kind of fear a few times in the years they'd known each other, but it came across in Jim's eyes, the tone under his voice. A captain couldn't be afraid, but a human could, and Bones knew that human very well. Every minute they were out here in this stinking jungle decreased the chances that he could do anything for Jim when, _if_ , they got back to the _Enterprise _. Every minute meant a higher chance that infection would settle into the ugly wound on the back of his head, and that the damage would be permanent.__

_Bones settled Jim on the bank, almost reaching out to help Jim's hands find the water as he saw Jim feeling along the ground. His own hand was halfway out towards Jim's before he realized Jim wouldn't want too much help, and resisted the urge. Instead he waited long enough to see Jim's fingers sink into the cool water before drinking some water himself. "Not too much," he said automatically, knowing he was telling Jim something he already knew, but hell... he was the doctor, even if he was a shitty one right now. "The water's moving pretty fast, so we're gonna have to take it slow." Only a few minutes rest before one hand rested on Jim's shoulder. "Ready?"_

_"How deep is it?" Jim asked, getting up and holding onto Bones until he was steady. His head turned out towards the water, almost visibly straining to hear what he couldn't see._

_Bones tightened his grip on Jim's arm. "Not sure, but... it'll be okay. Just slow steps, and don't let go." They entered the water, shallow enough at first, getting deeper just as the water began moving fast around their thighs. "Doing great, Jim," Bones said, holding on best he could as they walked carefully. Every once in a while Bones hit a slippery rock and felt himself slide, but each time he managed to catch himself before they both went under._

_By the time they got to the other side, Jim's face was unreadable. His lips were white from being pressed together, and his fingers dug into Bones' skin through the torn uniform. Those usually bright blue eyes were wide, staring at nothing, the pupils dilated. It was the quiet, more than anything, that worried Bones. "You did great," he said, still holding Jim close even though they were out of the water. "You need to rest?"_

_"No." Usually Jim would have made a joke here, about how the water would keep them cool, or how Bones worried like an old woman. The pause that passed before Jim spoke again seemed agonizingly long, enough to make Bones' stomach sink with concern. "...Just cooler now, right? Got to make it to that place Ruud told us about."_

_"Yeah," Bones said, carefully wiping a bit of dirt off Jim's face. Seeing him like this, those beautiful eyes of his dead and listless - that hurt Bones deep inside somewhere, some place he hadn't felt in a long time. "We're gonna get there, Captain. It's right over there, we're close now," he said, hoping his voice sounded encouraging. There was still a hell of a long way to go, but the last thing he wanted was to sound scared._

_He wasn't sure how successful he was at that._

_"It's supposed to be at the top, right?" Jim shook his head, visibly trying to remember._

_"Right," Bones repeated, instantly worried. He had no idea how hard Jim had hit his head, but could guess it was not only enough to rattle his brain, possibly fracture the skull, and from the loss of vision, damaged the occipital lobe. In his heart, he knew that this constant moving was only doing more damage in the long run, but if they could get back to the ship, Bones hoped he'd be able to reverse it. _Had to_... To imagine Jim without his sight, that was unthinkable._

They began walking again, and as they passed bushes with safe fruit on them, Bones would pick the berries and press a few into Jim's hand and his own mouth. He caught Jim pocketing about half of the food he was given and started to tell him to eat it now, but Jim turned his head and the dark look on his face, something Bones didn't know how to read, made his words fall short. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea, after all who knew when they would find more food.

It felt like they had walked halfway to Earth, and yet no where at all, and soon it got so dark Bones was having trouble seeing the jungle floor. At least they were hitting elevation, Bones could feel that they were going higher now, leaving the jungle and hitting a different sort of terrain. But they weren't going to go much further in the impending darkness. There was no choice, even as he looked up the path they were climbing on the mountain. They had to stop.

He was left even more at odds when the first question out of Jim's mouth was "How much further?" as soon as Bones said it was too dark to see.

"We're gonna stop here," Bones told him, looking around. There was a rock wall with a bit of a ledge they could use a cover for the night. "Stand here for right now," Bones added, putting Jim's hand on the rock so he could feel it. Looking around, there was some fallen wood on the ground - not much, but maybe enough. "I'm gonna make a fire. Stay right here, okay?"

"Tell me the truth, Bones." Jim sat down, but he was trying to follow the sounds of Bones moving around, wincing with each turn of his head. "How much further before we get to the top?"

"I don't know," Bones answered honestly. "It doesn't look too far, but-" Sounds from the jungle were getting louder, that noise they both recognized as the creature that attacked them that morning. "I think we need to worry about staying safe and quiet tonight, then get to the top in the morning, as soon as the sky gets light." Putting the fire together wasn't as easy as he hoped. He had his wood piled up and some little bits of grass for kindling, but fuck if he hadn't made a fire like this since that damned survival course they all had to take,and even then, it hadn't been easy. "Sit tight... this might take a while," he added, starting to rub his sticks together. "Why don't you eat some of those berries you got in your pocket."

Jim let out a sigh and got up, feeling his way until his hand encountered Bones' thigh. Jim moved behind him, arms sliding around until his hands were on either side of Bones' torso, feeling at the sticks. Bones tensed, curious before he understood what Jim was trying to do. "Even now, you can do this better than me," he chuckled softly as Jim's hands began working the sticks, demonstrating what needed to happen, and letting Bones get the feel of it, the rhythm of turning and applying pressure, over and over again. Bones could feel Jim's breathing on his neck, the solidness of him against his back warm and comforting, which was fucked up, since he was the one that was supposed to be taking care of Jim.

After a while, Bones seemed to get the idea, and taking the sticks, he settled comfortably on the ground and began to work in earnest, turning and pressing until small wafts of smoke began to appear. "Thank fuck," he sighed, quickly adding the kindling and giving it a little puff of his breath until the tiny flame appeared.

"Guessing that means you got it. Congratulations, you can keep yourself warm at night," Jim said with a bit of irony in his voice, considering how damn hot it was. He sat back, but his shoulders were hunched forward, his nostrils flared, prepared for something he couldn't see.

Bones watched him for a moment. "I'm gonna get some more berries, I'll be close. Right here," he said as he started looking for something to eat in the bushes close to camp. Unfortunately, they were few and far between. By the time he returned, Jim had discovered the outcrop they were hiding against. His back was pressed to it, the fire blazing nicely in front of him. His knees were pulled up, and he was staring at the fire, unintentionally but in a way that would end up damaging his eyes if he wasn't careful. They really needed to remain closed, to keep from getting dried out, scratched, or worse, Bones knew this, but there wasn't much he could do here. "You should sleep, if you can," Bones told him, settling down next to Jim, putting half the the stash of berries he'd gathered into Jim's hands.

"...Not tired." But Jim started to eat the berries, one by one, slowly and steadily. His eyes closed, and he licked his lips. "I can't keep watch with you."

"Don't worry 'bout me," Bones answered, trying to make it as comfortable as he could for Jim. "I got extra sleep last night, remember?" he added with a little gruffness to his voice. "Rest, Jim, please. Your body needs it."

"Can't." Jim looked vaguely in Bones' direction. "Head's pounding. Body's no better." Then, he gave what was almost a familiar grin. "Just like old times, right." Only about a million times worse and they weren't sitting in their room at the Academy.

But the injured body wasn't going to heal any faster without proper nutrients and rest, Bones knew this. Sneaking a few more of his berries into Jim's pile, he shifted his body so that Jim was sitting in front of him. "I'm gonna try something," he said quietly into Jim's ear, bringing up one of his hands and laying it carefully atop Jim's head. Sometimes the light pressure helped with headaches, Bones knew. It was worth a try. "Feel any better?"

Jim's breath staggered, and he nodded just slightly. "Maybe," a whisper. "I've gotten head injuries like this before, but nothing this bad."

Bones knew just how right Jim was. It was hard to know the extent of the injuries, but even without his equipment Bones could guess that Jim's brain was swelling from the force of the blow. He hoped that once the swelling went down, the pressure against the optic nerve would lessen - if that was the cause of the loss of vision, which was Bones' working theory.

It worried him how Jim was taking the loss of his sight. In some ways, it was no different than the past. Jim had a long running habit of ignoring simple things like pain and bleeding and bruising, something Bones expected came from the life Jim had lived in the years before they had met. While he didn't know the full scope of that life, he could read some of it from the scars and poorly healed bones Jim still carried. It wouldn't take a great leap of the consciousness to decide to ignore this as well, even if like all the other things Jim ignored, it was dangerous.

But more than that... Jim was so calm about all of this, taking the loss of vision with a resigned attitude, so unlike the Jim he knew... and loved, if he'd only admit it to himself. Part shock, probably a good dose of depression. Jim should be angrier about this, or at least talking about it more. "I'm gonna fix your eyes, Jim. I don't want you to worry about it."

"And if you don't? What's my sight matter... I lost two men today. They've both saved my life in the past." There was a subdued quality to Jim's voice, doubt and remorse and pain.

Bones closed his eyes, exhaling at Jim's words. His hand on Jim's head increased the pressure slightly, and when Jim didn't complain, he left it there. "There was nothing you could do to save them. You can't blame yourself, Jim." Of course Jim would blame himself, but Bones still had to remind him. It was part of his job. It was what he did.

"...I chose to save you. If I hadn't gotten hurt, Adam might still be alive." Adam, not Yamaguchi, something more personal. Jim's ability to remember every last person, or close to it, on a ship of eleven hundred people never failed to impress him.

Bones felt the unspoken comparison there. Jim had saved him... but Bones had failed to save Adam. "You couldn't have gotten to him," Bones told him after a long moment of quiet introspection. "He went under too fast. I got there as soon as I could, but..." Bones had tossed the vine to both of them, but Adam was too far in. It had been fucking awful, seeing the other man's terrified eyes sinking fast into the quicksand, like thick water. How Jim had managed to stay closer to the surface, Bones had no idea, but it saved his life.

Everything seemed to hit him all at once, the entire awful day. Leaning back, Bones pulled Jim a little closer to him and absently stroked his arm, taking stock of their situation. He was alive. Jim was alive, but injured. And they had to make it to the top of this damn mountain before the sun rose tomorrow morning.

Whatever it was out there, those creatures, they were getting loud. Maybe they knew they were up here, he guessed. Or something had them riled up, on the move. And it was just him and Jim, and their small fire.

This was gonna be a long night. "Will you just try and sleep a little, Jim?" he asked again, holding back a yawn.

"Are you sure?" Jim said after a long silence. He wasn't protesting this anymore, showing just how much he needed that sleep. Slowly Jim pulled away, feeling the ground, laying out and making sure his limbs weren't going to get in the fire or in Bones' way.

But Bones frowned at that. Tugging gently at Jim's clothes, he guided Jim's head toward his lap. "Here," he said, resting his hand on Jim's shoulder. "This'll be more comfortable." Jim tensed up, his head still in Bones' lap. When he tried to get up, Bones moved his hand up to the side of Jim's neck and gently held him down. "Stay. I can keep an eye on your injury like this, and made sure you don't have any problems in your sleep."

Jim seemed to accept that answer; at least, he stopped wriggling around. Bones' thumb made small circles on Jim's neck as he watched the stars starting to shine, and he began to wonder what would happen to Jim if he didn't get his sight back. Not that the kid ever let anything stop him, but this- this was unlike anything that they'd experienced before. How could he remain captain without his sight? The idea of Jim being forced out of his seat as captain, or even out of Starfleet all together, was so impossible his mind refused to put it together. The spirit of Starfleet had changed when they fronted Jim out as their golden boy, as did the universal view of Starfleet after what Jim and Spock had done on the Narada.

Famous, or infamous, depending on your perspective, Jim Kirk was the face of Starfleet and being captain was the most important thing in Jim's life.

Would Jim's spirit withstand the loss of his ship, of his sight? He'd seen Jim go through hell already, but this was more personal, a wound just as deep as the death of his crew, though he knew Jim would have disagreed. Healing would be just as much about the mental as the physical.

"...want you to go on without me in the morning." Jim's words suddenly shot through his train of thought. Anyone else, Bones would have dismissed it as shock from the injury.

But he knew Jim, better than he knew anyone in the world, and Jim meant it. "Don't talk like that," Bones answered quickly, tiredly. "We're a team." More than a team, really, but he wasn't quite ready to admit that yet.

"You could get there faster, play their game, and come back for me," Jim continued out quietly, as if Bones hadn't spoken. Jim's fingers betrayed his words though, and were slowly curling beside his cheek in the pants he was resting on.

Bones' hand slid next to Jim's fingers, covering it, lacing them together. "I'm not leavin' you," he said softly, gently pushing a tendril of Jim's hair behind his ear. "And you know that."

"Don't be a fool, Bones," came the snapped reply, but his hand tightened around their interlaced fingers. "This is our best chance. You need to get back to the _Enterprise_."

No sense arguing with Jim right now, so he didn't. Instead Bones continued to to stroke Jim's head, fingertips featherlight as they ghosted over Jim's hair. They froze in place at the moan of an animal somewhere in the jungle below, Bones looking around for something he could use as a weapon if he needed to, not seeing anything. _Great_ , he thought to himself. Jim would have had taken care of something so rudimentary, so obvious.

But Bones was a doctor, and right now, not a very good one at that. Looking down at his patient, his captain, he felt helpless. "Close your eyes," he told Jim. "We'll talk in the morning."

"If I'm your captain, don't make me make it an order." The voice was getting softer, exhaustion and stress and pain taking their toll and forcing Jim towards the sleep he clearly didn't want. But soon enough his eyes closed and stayed closed, Bones watching his chest rise and fall slowly. Swallowing, he traced a path across Jim's forehead, down his nose and touching his lips.

It was getting stronger now, his feelings for Jim. He'd tried so long to keep them at bay, told himself it was just sexual attraction. Hero worship, even. But these were lies, he knew this. What he felt for Jim went beyond anything he'd ever known before.

And now, he'd let Jim down. But he wasn't going to let anything else happen to him, not tonight, not tomorrow. Bones was going to get Jim off this planet, back on board the ship, and fix his sight, if it was the last thing he ever did. And maybe... he thought, caressing Jim's hair once more -maybe he'd get the nerve to finally tell Jim how he really felt.

It might have been too late, he realized even as he thought about it. There had been a time when he'd been the one James T. Kirk, legend on campus, had been lusting after. Bones was one of a few who turned Jim down, time and time again when Jim seemed determined to pursue him during their time at the Academy. Eventually, Jim seemed to get it through that thick skull that they were friends. _No, Jim, not even friends with benefits_. Nothing more.

Now four years later, Bones wanted more.

He looked up to the sky, staring at a thousand unfamiliar stars. One of them was the _Enterprise_ , unable to get a lock on them. Jim probably would been able to pick her out amongst all the glowing dots of light. Bones' eyes looked up, watching the sky because there was nothing else to do but worry.

 

They couldn't wait until dawn to continue. Jim remained still and silent in his sleep through the few hours of rest they both needed. Bones caught himself nodding off, but always a spark from the fire or a noise in the night would jerk him awake. Without any way to keep track of time, Bones could only guess he was right when he shook Jim awake cautiously. Jim had a nasty habit of reacting on the side of _violent_ when someone woke him up by touching him, so Bones always gentled him awake when he could. "Jim, we've gotta get moving."

Jim's eyes opened, his body twitching, but after a moment Bones saw him relax. The blue eyes closed again and Jim sat up, running a hand through his hair. "...still night?" Voice all foggy and thick.

"Still dark," Bones answered. "But not for long." He stood, stretching as he took a few steps away from the rock wall they'd holed up against all night. He looked up the mountain, trying to remember what the the thick landscape looked like. "I think we should head straight up, quick as we can." Hopefully when they got closer, whatever the fuck they were looking for would become obvious, this Eye of Cyli bullshit.

Touching Jim's shoulder, Bones reached for this hands. "Let's get going. With any luck, this will all be over soon."

Jim got up using the help, lacing an arm around Bones' waist to keep himself moving where he should. "One way or the other." His head tilted back towards the sky, as if hunting for the ship Bones hadn't been able to find, then took the first step between them.

The way up was rapidly getting harder, steeper with each step. Trying to navigate Jim around stones and branches and every other thing that shouldn't have been a problem was eating up time. They both could barely see, only the waning moons overhead giving any light to see by. Jim kept tripping, and eventually his palms and knee caps were scrapped raw. Bones was glad that Jim couldn't see when the first faint light of false dawn started to crawl over the horizon, still so far for them to go.

Suddenly a noise from behind them made Bones jump. Fuck, it was one of those _Hysilssa_ , must have followed them up out of the jungle floor. "We gotta move faster," he cried out, half-dragging and half-carrying Jim as they raced toward the top.

But they'd have to get there first, and Jim was getting heavier by the second. Moving with a strength he'd never had to use before, Bones kept the momentum of the two of them going. There was a faint light in the sky now, and Bones could finally see the top of the mountain, something that wasn't part of the natural landscape. "Almost there," he panted to Jim, seeing his goal up ahead, but the sound of the creature was getting closer.

At this rate, it would be on them in a matter of seconds.

Then suddenly, it burst through the undergrowth and was on them. Bones turned to see their attacker, pushing Jim behind him in some vain attempt to protect him. His heart pounded with the fear and knowledge that this was it, he'd failed, they were going to die - but it vanished in the blink of an eye. "Ruud!" he screamed out in disbelief at the sight of their former Tuataran companion. Hearing Jim repeat the same name only a second after him, Bones gasped out, "How-"

But there was no response. Instead the Tuataran reached down and grabbed Jim, lifting him like he was as light as a child without saying a word. They had long since lost the translator, so Bones gratefully ran behind them with everything he had left in him. There was a temple of some sort ahead of them, the sun racing behind to catch them to its doors. Ruud charged through the open archway and straight ahead in a way that Bones hoped meant he knew where he was going.

They came into an open court yard, which looked magnificant but Bones didn't have the time to admire the scenery. In the center was a raised podium, a brightly shining white orb floating above it. He didn't need to be told _this was it_ , the _Eye_ they had walked through hell for, had lost two good men to reach. Ruud reached out for it, his hand stopping only long enough to look back at Bones.

 _What the hell was the snake waiting for?_ Ruud grabbed his wrist before Bones could ask, and together their hands landed heavily on the orb.

The world went dark.

* * *

"Doctor? Doctor..." Bones felt someone shaking him awake, but he was tired, so tired. "Leonard, he's waking up."

Bones opened his eyes at that, the events of the last three days suddenly in the forefront of his mind. "Readings?" he asked, wiping his face as he stood, walking toward Jim's bed in the private area of the infirmary.

"Stable, no changes since you went to sleep." Grabbing a scanner, Bones began running it over Jim's head. The swelling was going down, thank goodness, but it was still too early to tell how damaged the optic nerve was going to be. His eyes were bandaged shut, but other than Jim's head injury there was remarkably little else wrong with either of them, once they'd been properly hydrated, some much needed nutrients provided.

"Bones?" Jim's voice was hard to hear. "What happened?" he asked, starting to move around. His hands came up to feel his face. "I-"

"I'm here, Jim," Bones told him, touching his fingers. "We're home." He sighed with relief, worry evident in his voice -Jim had slept for so long. "Keep everyone else away, will you Christine?" he asked her, a pleading look in his eyes. "They're gonna tell you they need to talk to him. You tell them I'll be out in a few minutes, and I'll answer all their questions." _Or tell them to jump out of an airlock._

Nurse Chapel nodded at him in understanding and left them alone. Pulling a chair up to Jim's bed, Bones sat down and rested a hand on Jim's chest. "How do you feel?"

Jim's fingers pulled at the bandages. " _Off_ , Bones. I want them off. Tell me... tell me you could-" There was a child's fear in Jim's voice, one that made him sound younger than his years and rank. His voice was still muddled, enough that Bones wondered if maybe he had overdone it on the sedative that had been keeping Jim under during surgery.

"Quit," Bones told him, grabbing at Jim's hands. "I'll take them off, in a minutes, but first we have to talk." It was hard to look at Jim, his eyes closed and covered for his own protection. "There was swelling in your brain, Jim, from where you hit your head. All the moving, all the jostling, it didn't help matters." Giving Jim's hands a squeeze, he continued. "But we've relieved it, and now we're just waiting to see how long its gonna take until you get your sight back." Of that, Bones was sure. He was going to fix Jim's eyes.

Jim's hands stilled in his. "But you're sure? You're sure it'll come back?" There was a trust there, a trust that Bones would make it happen, forged over their years of friendship. At first, it had been so heavily stilted by caution and anger at doctors, though exactly why Bones was never able to figure out.

But Bones knew Jim trusted him, would believe him, and that, as much as anything, gave him the confidence to nod, even though he knew Jim couldn't see it. "It will, Jim. I promise you." Now was the hard part. "But I just need you to give me some time. Don't be upset if its not back today, or even tomorrow. There was a lot of damage done, and you went without any medical help for so long." Add to that the journey Jim had made, moving for hours with that injury to his head and it was a wonder Jim hadn't had more brain damage. "You're gonna hate this, but right now, best thing you can do is rest." Resting was almost against Jim Kirk's nature. He could see how Jim took it with a twist of his mouth, wanting to defy doctor's orders. "I mean it. If you want your chance at getting your sight back, you have to rest. There is no regenerator or medication I can give you to fix this! If you mess it up, that's all there is." Bones wished that there wasn't so much begging in the sound of his voice.

But maybe, just maybe, it worked, because Jim's shoulders dropped and he nodded. "All right, Bones. I'll do my best, okay?" That was as much, he knew, as he was going to get out of Jim about this.

"That makes two of us," Bones told him, gently running a hand over his Jim's hair. Definitely not normal doctor/patient behavior, but Jim was- special. And he was the captain, so before he left Bones made sure one of the other medics stayed close to his room, in case he needed anything, then headed out to talk to the people no doubt waiting outside.

As expected, Bones ran into Admiral Fersen, heading toward Sickbay with Spock. "Doctor, is the captain awake?" she asked. There was something about the admiral that set Bones' teeth on edge. She might have been there originally for the treaty signing, but now that shit had hit the fan, her role on board had changed to interrogator, and Bones was pretty damn sure he didn't like it.

"He's awake," Bones replied, holding back a yawn, "but he needs to rest right now. No visitors."

That didn't sit well with the admiral. "Doctor McCoy," she repeated, her eyes narrowing. "This situation, what happened on that planet resulted in the loss of two members of your crew, and I am not any closer to understanding exactly what happened down there. We've received no response to our attempt at communicating with the Tuatarans. Captain Kirk is a Starfleet officer. Part of his responsibilities are to give his report of the situation as soon as possible. He knows this," she added, "as do you."

"There isn't anything more than I told you yesterday," Bones told her, eyes darting at Spock for some back-up. "You have my report." Bones had explained, as best as he could, the entire ordeal, from the dinner where they had been drugged to the apparent rite of passage they were expected to pass, to finally reaching their destination.

Once they'd touched the Eye, the Enterprise had been able to lock on their position. One minute, Bones stood on the planet, staring at Ruud and a group of what appeared to be pleased seven-foot tall lizard people. The next, he was in the transporter bay holding Jim, trying not to pass out.

"Indeed," she said, her voice tinged with irritation. "And now I need the captain's report of what happened."

Spock straightened his back, the small movement enough to get their attention. "Perhaps the doctor will agree to allow Captain Kirk to be interviewed this evening, after he's had more rest."

Fersen wasn't pleased with this suggestion, but she didn't disagree. She looked at them both carefully. "I will be back this evening," she finally said to Bones. "But I will speak to the captain then. Commander," she nodded at Spock, then continued down the hallway.

"She's a piece of work," Bones muttered after she'd left.

But Spock only gave him one of those looks that made him feel like an idiot. "She is trying to do her job, which is to investigate what happened on the planet surface. We've agreed not to send another away team until communication has been established, but you must understand," he continued, "she needs more than just your report."

"Yeah, I understand," Bones said, clearly not happy.

"Is the captain well?" Spock asked, concern evident in his voice as he followed Bones back into Sickbay.

Bones sighed and shrugged, tired eyes staring back at Spock. "I want him to have at least another few hours before I check the eyes." Leaning against a wall, Bones ran a hand through his hair. "Don't want to take the bandages off too soon. If his sight's not back, it's just gonna discourage him, and..." Spock nodded, as if he understood Jim Kirk's inner-workings as well as Bones did. "You can go speak to him, if you want. Just-" Bones felt stupid even saying this, "-just try to keep ship's business to a minimum, okay? He really does need to rest." Even before he finished speaking, he knew how unlikely that was. Jim would want to know everything that was going on.

Spock arched an eyebrow, as if reading his mind. "Indeed. Then I shall try to keep the discussion from being overly taxing."

A little laugh at that. Fuck, he was tired. "Thanks." With that, Bones headed to his office, and lay back down on the cot he kept in there for these sort of occasions.

 

That evening, the Admiral showed up as promised. Jim was like a horse biting at the reins as he sat up in bed, helpless in his ability to get around but bored out of his skull. Bones knew Jim was more than capable of occupying his time under normal circumstances, but without his sight, many of those options were taken from him.

It didn't stop him from halting the Admiral outside of Sickbay and giving her a subtle warning. "He's on a lot of painkillers right now, so take it slow. We need him to stay calm if we want his injury to heal."

Bones didn't like the look on her face when he told her that, and she just gave a quick nod before she walked into the room where Jim was set up. Bones hovered just out of view but still in listening range as the Admiral did exactly the opposite of what he asked and grilled Jim on every detail of what had happened to them. He heard Jim's voice change when she asked why he had saved his chief medical officer and yet failed to save two of his security team.

Bones knew not everyone liked Jim's quick rise to captain and thought he should have been expelled, but it was the first time since the trials back on Earth after the _Narada_ incident that he heard that same familiar scorn in Fersen's voice, enough to tell she was one of 'those' people.

But there was pride in how the familiar signs of Jim's frustration were quickly subdued, and he remained calm as he explained himself, his actions, and those of his team. Bones managed to control his own emotions as he heard Fersen tear apart Jim's words, and nodded grimly as Jim quickly rebuilt them, simply and succinctly. They were just finishing when the communicator at his waist beeped. Bones flipped it open and answered, "McCoy here."

"Doctor, your presence is required on the bridge."

That was unusual. "Someone hurt, Spock?"

"Negative," Spock told him calmly. "We have made contact with the Tuatarans, and they are requesting to speak with you and the Captain. I believe you are being invited to another festival."

If Bones didn't know better, he would have sworn he heard a hint of amusement in the Vulcan's voice. "...I'll be right up there," he said, flipping the communicator closed. Bones stormed out of Sickbay without a word to anyone, marching tiredly down the corridor and into the lift. The idea, that after all that happened, these creatures wanted to talk to them? Bones was infuriated.

When he arrived on the bridge, his mood had gone from bad to worse. "You called," Bones said, looking straight at Spock.

Spock gave only an incline of his head in the direction of the forward view screen where two familiar Tuatarans could be seen. It was the Priestess they had spoken to that night at dinner and her male attendant. "They seem most curious as to why you and the Captain have decided not to join them at their celebration feast for your... accomplishment."

"Celebration..." Bones repeated to himself, his face full of indignation. He looked right at the screen in disgust. "Two of our men died down there. We don't want to celebrate anything right now, though a full explanation might be in order."

From the tilt of her head, the Priestess seemed to be confused. "I do not understand," she said, her hisses and snaps filtered through the translator. "You agreed to our ritual, and you passed. We are pleased, as we could only hope you survived what so many of our own have failed to do."

Spock spoke softly as he stood beside Bones. "Did you agree to this ritual they speak of, Doctor?"

"Did we agree to be dropped in a jungle without food, water, or any of our possessions in order to fight for our lives for two days?" Bones asked Spock, his voice tightly reined. "What do you think?"

Little surprise that Spock would be unruffled by the sarcasm. "Perhaps you unknowingly agreed to it." He looked to the forward view screen again, speaking at a more audible volume. "You say that our away team agreed to your ritual. Can you indicate when this occurred?"

There was a quiet conference between Priestess and attendant before she replied, "During the festival, your captain was asked if he would be willing to take on the quest for Cyli, to prove to Cyli that the Federation's words were true and that its representatives were worthy of our joining."

Bones recalled something like that, but... "No one mentioned anything about anyone being killed!" He stared straight at the view screen, his face indignant. "Quest... we were drugged at dinner. Next thing we knew we were being chased by wild creatures in and out of deadly traps. No one mentioned that part to any of us." He glanced over at Nyota, sitting quietly at the Comms station, a sorrowful look on her face during this exchange.

But when Bones turned to her, she nodded in agreement. "A mention was made, Commander, regarding some sort of quest, but at no time did anyone describe any more than this. The captain did express some interest in learning more about it before we all fell unconscious." Her report had included this, along with her own treatment by the Tuatarans, respectfully allowing her to return to the ship, as well as the linguistic specific information regarding their intricate use of body language.

"You proved yourselves worthy of Cyli. We accept the Federation's offer to join." The Priestess seemed unconcerned about the deaths. "You accepted the quest, and we opened your eyes to Cyli's domain at the height of the feast along with our candidate."

The turbolift doors opened and Admiral Fersen stepped out onto the deck. "Commander," she said, looking at Spock. She spared a glance for the doctor, then turned her attention to the view screen. "I am Admiral Fersen. I've been asked by Starfleet to investigate this matter regarding our crew who were killed and injured on your planet. To whom am I addressing?"

"I am the Mouth of Cyli, her head priestess," the snakewoman said calmly. "What do you need to investigate?"

"Two of our crew members were killed on while on your planet participating in some contest you were holding," Forsen replied just as quickly. "The captain was injured and not given any medical support because their possessions were stripped from them after they were drugged." It appeared the admiral had listened to Jim and Bones, despite her attitude of disbelief. "This is not expected behavior from a planet considering membership in our Federation."

It was difficult to tell, but there was an air of being insulted around the Priestess. "Contest? This is one of our most sacred rituals. It is a great honor to allow an outsider to participate."

Admiral Fersen's eyes closed briefly, as if she were looking for the proper response. "Lives were lost, Priestess, and senselessly, from what it sounds like. Now, until I can understand fully what the purpose of this exercise was, and why these two crewmen died, I cannot in good conscience recommend consideration of your planet into the Federation. If you are willing to send someone up to speak with us regarding this incident, perhaps we could-"

" _Admiral."_

The entire bridge looked over at the open doorway to see Jim standing there, holding onto Christine Chapel. Bones saw his nurse, her arm laced through Jim's, looking sheepish yet maintaining an air of one following orders. No doubt it was that, considering the look on Jim's face, cold and angry, and blankly staring in the direction of the Admiral's voice.

"The Tuatarans didn't intend to kill us, or we would all be dead." There was a tone that took over when Jim was the Captain over being just plain old Jim, and it came through strong right now, the kind of voice that made people sit up and listen and follow him to the outer reaches of space. "I made the mistake of not getting more information before I agreed to something I didn't know enough about, and now I'm paying for it. I've seen their worship, and walked and bled alongside one of their very own people taking part in the same ritual, going through the same risks." Jim took a few careful steps further into the bridge, standing straight and tall as he held onto Chapel's arm. "Just because their ways aren't the same as ours doesn't mean we denounce them or insult them by calling one of their rituals a _contest_. I would stand beside them in their acceptance to the Federation," his gaze went to the forward view screen, probably locating it entirely through memory, "provided, Priestess of Cyli, that no more of the Federation must go through the ritual."

The Priestess _hissed_ through a breath before she shook her head. "No more will be required, as you were sent as representatives of your species and Federation. You have passed and received Cyli's blessing and approval."

Bones watched in shocked amazement as the bridge went silent, no one sure what to do or say, so he felt enormously grateful when Spock took control of the conversation. "Priestess, would you be willing to send emissaries to our ship to continue the conversation regarding membership in the Federation?" Bones knew that Spock was as worried about Jim as he was, but remained cognizant of the fact that this was all about a treaty, a much-needed ally in this system.

For his part, even despite Jim's words, right now Bones thought he could go a long time without ever seeing a Tuataran again. But he did let out a small breath of gratitude when he heard the priestess accept Spock's invitation, and as soon as the view screen went black, Bones made a beeline to Jim. "What are you doing here?" he asked Jim, glaring at Christine who gave a sideline look at Jim.

"I heard Spock's comm to you, then he called for the Admiral. I wasn't about to stay down there without being able to say my piece." Jim's voice was quieter again, the walk from Sickbay and act of defiance exhausting him. The last few days had taken their toll on his body and mind as it tried to overcome its new handicap.

The Admiral stepped up to join them, her outrage seen in the thinness of her lips and the furrow of her brow. " _Captain_ Kirk, I know you've been through a lot in the last few days and for that I'll forgive some of the disrespect you just showed me. But just because you're captain of _this_ ship doesn't mean you have any right to speak to me in such a way or take over handling what I was sent to--"

"It wasn't you that had to suffer down there, or your men who died. I made a mistake and I'll pay for it if Starfleet so demands, but right now I'm still captain of _this_ ship you're standing on, the one that was sent to deal with this situation in the first place. I didn't want to lose our chance at getting the ally we needed in this sector." His arm was tightening on Christine's, and she looked to Bones worriedly, silently telling him that Jim's strength was failing.

"Rest assured, I'll be speaking to Starfleet regarding your actions here." No doubt Jim meant his words as a barbed thrust against her, because every person on the bridge knew that at the rate the Admiral was going they would have undoubtedly lost the good will they worked so hard to gain. "You still need to learn your place in Starfleet, _Captain_."

Jim stood very straight until the Admiral's footsteps were gone, then slumped hard enough that Christine staggered to keep his weight up. Bones ran to his side, Spock to the other, and together they hoisted him off the nurse, dismissed from the bridge by a very angry CMO. "We're getting you back to Sickbay, right now."

But Jim hesitated, not letting himself be pulled. "How 'bout my room instead, Doc?" Jim asked, eyes staring blankly ahead despite the attempt at levity in his voice. "I can rest there better than in that hospital bed of yours."

Bones' eyes met Spock's across Jim's, giving a small eye roll of frustration. "You promise me that you'll stay there, and not leave? As God is my witness, Jim, I'll have you locked in there if I think you're gonna try this escaping shit again."

"I didn't _escape_ Sickbay, I just had to get up here," which was bullshit, he was definitely escaping and Bones knew it. "I'll stay, I'll stay, you have my word." Jim walked between the two of them, making Bones think of a bad dog captured on leashes as together he and Spock took Jim down into his quarters. Jim was far too accepting of all of this, allowing himself to be led quietly, leading Bones to believe that he was either really, really tired from that small exertion, or he had something up his sleeve.

"Captain," Spock began as they got Jim to his room, "I will find the Admiral, talk to her before preparing for the signing of the treaty, should everything go smoothly. I will return tomorrow with my report," he added before leaving, sparing a quiet 'Doctor' in Bones' direction.

Jim stood, turning most of his back towards the door and Bones, started determinedly stripping out of the loose clothing he'd worn in Sickbay. "Tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you," Bones said, walking toward the closet and trying not to look at Jim as he undressed. But that was harder than it sounded, and despite knowing he shouldn't, his eyes drank in Jim's naked backside, well-sculpted muscles marred only by cuts and scratches they'd both gotten from their time on the planet.

Jim's head turned, following the sound of Bones through the suite. "...Just sweat pants from my drawers," he said, frowning, then - "No, I can get it myself." Then Bones watched Jim make his way to the drawers, feeling up every piece of furniture until he got to the dresser, counting down three and opening it. It was all clumsy and unsure, working from memory, but Jim didn't seem ashamed to be standing there nude, dressing himself. If anything, he looked proud, as if that simple act was one of defiance, that he could still take care of himself.

Bones knew Jim would need this self-confidence in order to get through the next few days or weeks, if it took that long for his sight to come back. But it also made it hard for him to convince Jim to rest.

"Bed, Jim," Bones told him, walking toward him, subconsciously creating heavier footfalls so that Jim would hear him coming.

Jim, just as stubborn, grabbed something from the drawer and sat on the bed after almost missing it. Bones realized as Jim unfolded the material that it wasn't a pair of pants but a t-shirt, and slipped over to the drawer as Jim started to try and find the waistband. He found Jim's sweat pants just as Jim realized what he had done and silently pushed the pants into Jim's hands. Jim tensed up all over, but took them with a quiet 'thanks' and pulled on the shirt as if he had meant to do it all the time, followed by the sweatpants after feeling for the drawstring.

Bones pulled the pillows up, arranging them so Jim would be comfortable. "Can I get anything for you? Audiobook, or some music to listen too?" he asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He wanted to stay and talk with Jim, or anything, hell, just spend some time with him. After what they'd gone through, Bones never wanted to let Jim out of his sight again. But work called, and despite his own less severe injuries, Bones still had reports to complete before the end of today.

Jim shook his head, fingers clenching hard before he snapped, "I can get it myself." He was staring downwards, unseeing, his entire body tensed up where he sat.

The cold tone to Jim's voice surprised Bones, though in retrospect it probably shouldn't. Jim no doubt blamed him, in some way, for losing his sight, for not having it back by now. "Okay," he said, getting up, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. No need to make the man feel guilty on top of it all. "I'll just get out of your hair then." Taking a breath, he placed Jim's comm device in his hand. "Call me if you need anything," he said, then touched his shoulder, and headed for the door.

Just as he was about to step out, Jim suddenly called out, "Bones?"

Bones looked back, but Jim hadn't moved an inch. "...Yeah?" There was something in Jim's voice he couldn't quite place.

The question was met with silence, with the door still open, then Jim shook his head. "Nevermind."

There was a look on Jim's face though, something Bones didn't see often, at least, not in a long time. He looked _troubled_. "I'll be by later, if that's okay," Bones said quietly. He could read his medical reports just as easily here as he could in his office, if Jim didn't mind the company.

"Yeah. I'd like that." Jim's body seemed to unwind, just slightly, and he relaxed back into the pillows on his bed. Bones watched him for a moment later, then turned away and went down towards Sickbay. No matter who got hurt on this ship, there was always work to be done.

 

It was mid-morning when he returned to check on Jim's progress. He didn't see Jim right away when he walked into the captain's room, and for a moment he was worried, wondering where the he'd captain had gone. "Jim?"

Jim walked out of the bathroom, fingers trailing along carefully. "Bones?" He gave a glare in the general of the door. "You turned off my alarm."

"You needed your beauty sleep," Bones retorted, glad Jim couldn't see the sad look on his face as Jim made his way toward him. It was hard, really hard, seeing his best friend like this. Aside from the blindness, Jim was physically better, rested and fed...but that spark was still gone. "You get breakfast yet?" he asked, pulling some fruit and danish out of a bag.

"I had coffee," Jim shrugged, moving slowly until he found the edge of the table, then the chair, and sat down.

Bones handed him a pastry and headed to the replicator, getting a coffee for himself. "How's the head feel?" he asked, sitting back down next to Jim, grabbing a roll for himself.

Jim made the so-so gesture. "Better, but there's this..." He gestured vaguely over where the wound, and now his missing hair was, "pressure. Makes it hard to concentrate sometimes."

Out came the scanner, and Bones examined the injured area, checking the regenerated skin on the back of his head, doing what he could to alleviate that pressure. "Want something for the pain?" he asked, knowing the answer but feeling the need to make the offer nonetheless.

"No," - no surprise, "coffee's helping for now. The caffeine I guess?" Jim hazarded a guess, but he tore into the pastry messily. The appetite returning was another good sign, and all the other readings were acceptable.

"Okay, let's talk," Bones said, putting the medical equipment away. "It's been a couple of days and you're done very well with your progress. The swelling's completely gone from the area of injury. Your vital signs are good, no sign of infection or distress... so I'm giving you permission to leave the room," Bones told him, hoping this was the right move. "You can work on light duty, paperwork, if you want, make that yeoman of yours earn her pay this month by helping you get those things done, the boring stuff you need to take care of." He sighed, watching Jim's face twist a little, as if 'boring' was the last thing he wanted to do. "No away missions, no overdoing it with exercise and fucking up all the work I did on your head... don't make that face, you know what I mean."

Jim still looked upset, and Bones sighed. "Look, Jim - do what you need to do, just-" But it was hard, the things Jim really wanted to do would require his sight. "No more than a few hours on the bridge, okay?"

"I need more than a few hours, Bones," Jim said immediately, quickly, one hand splaying flat on the table. "I need a full shift. It's been what, two days? I've been pacing the room all morning. I can't even see dammit and I could tell you exactly how many steps it takes to get around this room because I've paced it so much!" There was a fire in his voice that normally was in his eyes.

"You think I want you off the bridge any longer than necessary?" Bones' frustrated voice matched his face, not that Jim could see it. "This is me, Jim. Work with me here, a few hours at first."

Jim shook his head. "I can't take this boredom anymore!"

Bones sighed. What was the point, really, when no one listened. "You need any help getting anywhere?"

"Get me up to the bridge and I can do the rest." Jim stood up. There was a longing in his voice that was almost sad, when hated paperwork gave Jim some sort of excitement.

So Bones nodded, and grabbed another danish. "Get dressed," he said in a quieter voice. "You need me to get your over shirt?"

Jim followed memory over to the drawers, pulling out basics. When he didn't say anything, Bones accepted that as a 'no' until he heard Jim, "...Yeah, and a pair of pants?" He looked over, but Jim was focused on feeling fabrics. Picking out a clean uniform, he handed them to Jim and sat back down, finishing his coffee.

"Spock talk to you about anything?" Bones asked, watching Jim slowly dress and fix his uniform.

"Actually, he hasn't been here but he commed me and went through his report." Jim's hands paused, and he gave an odd smirk. "Acting Captain." Without much context he stood up to finish dressing, fingering material to put on his shirts in the right order. Once he finished, Bones cleaned up the table while Jim pulled on his boots, carefully feeling to see that he had them on the right foot.

"Ready?" Bones asked, holding out his arm.

Jim found it a second later and nodded. "So, are you my seeing-eye Bones?"

Bones made a noise, halfway between a sigh and a groan. "C'mon," he answered, leading Jim down the hall, toward the bridge of the ship. Along the way, people stopped and talked to Jim, not just as their captain but as another human being. Bones was pleased when he heard them keeping the pity out of their voices - after all, gossip spread no where faster than on a starship - and when they told Jim they were glad he was back on board and safe, glad to see him around again.

He dropped Jim off on the bridge, watching with a proud smile on his face as Jim seemed to get back into the swing of things quick enough. It was good that Jim was back at work - Bones knew that it was better than Jim sitting in his room, ruminating about it. A bored Jim was a dangerous Jim, to himself and to other people's sanity.

But still - something wasn't right about the situation. Jim never let anything keep him down for long - when someone or something knocked him down, Jim got back up and got things done. But if Bones were being honest with himself, he would admit to being a little worried about how well Jim was taking all this. Calm and collected and patient, way too patient for Jim, who Bones expected to be more adamant about his treatment, more interested in his recovery. This Jim seemed too passive about the situation, which only meant one thing - he was keeping the anxiety and grief deep inside, away from everyone else, including his best friend.

Only one other time in their friendship had Bones seen Jim breakdown. One night over a bottle of shared tequila, Jim let go, emotions pushed so far down unexpectedly surfaced after an argument with a teacher. Bones sat and listened, mostly drunk himself, but things made sense after that - why Jim's teenage years were spent wandering town to town; why he reacted violently to being touched unexpectedly; why he hoarded food, thinking Bones didn't see the bags of protein nibs in the back of the closet. One word - _Tarsus_ \- and Bones didn't ask any more after that, just let the information fall into place.

Bones wondered if this were happening again - that tamping down of worry and concern over something Jim couldn't control. Staring at his computer terminal, he asked himself if maybe he should press the issue with Jim, try to get it out before it exploded like before.

With that in mind, Bones excused himself from Sickbay at the end of his shift, taking his paperwork for the day with him. It was just as easy to do the tedious stuff in Jim's quarters than it was in his own, and they'd both enjoy the company. Maybe Bones would see what the galley cooked up for dinner and order some up to Jim's room. He pressed the buzzer to the captain's quarters, frowning when there was no answer. Could be that Jim was asleep, though they used to joke that Jim set the damned buzzer loud enough to wake the dead.

Bones was about to use his override when he heard Jim's voice coming from down the corridor. Spock's voice echoed after, and he stepped back from the door just in time to see the pair of them walking down the hall together. Much to Bones' amusement, Spock looked even more stiff than usual with Jim's arm through his, Jim's fingers trailing along the wall. He looked to Spock, who gave a curt nod in his direction before turning his attention to Jim. "Doctor McCoy is here. I believe between the two of you, you will be capable of handling your guidance for the rest of the evening." _Aw, had the Vulcan taken his turn at seeing eye dog all day_?

"Bones?" Jim's head turned forward.

"Yeah, I'm here. Looks like you managed for the day." It wasn't his most graceful response ever, but nevertheless Jim grinned.

"Spock and Rand took good care of me, Mom," Jim teased, reaching out and finding the edge of the door as it opened in the presence of the room's owner.

Spock's head tilted slightly, which never failed to amuse Bones. Just like a dog when given an command it didn't understand. "Why are you calling Doctor McCoy 'mom' when he is clearly not your maternal-"

Jim cut him off with a wave of his hand. "It's a joke, Spock. Thanks for getting me down here, and helping out today. I know you've been busy..." He didn't need to finish, they all knew why Spock would be busier than normal.

Spock took it well in hand though. "Of course, Captain. We will continue where we left off at 0900 tomorrow," and with a second nod in Bones' direction, "Doctor McCoy," Spock turned on his heel and left.

Jim looked over his shoulder at Bones and gave a smile. "Starving, how about you? Spock is wrangling Rand into making sure I eat. At 1200 on the dot, nonetheless," he laughed as he felt his way into the room, and Bones couldn't have felt more proud of him even as in the back of his head he kept his own warning in mind.

"Yeah, I'm hungry," he answered, glad to hear about his allies in watching over Jim right now. "I'll get some food sent up while you get settled, how's that sound?"

"Anything good from the galley tonight?" Jim asked as he felt carefully along to his bed, then started to strip down out of his uniform. Bones wondered why it was different now, in these quarters, than when they shared a room in the dorms. He'd admired Jim's body back then, thought about it sometimes when he was jacking off in the shower, but... it was different now. Somewhere between then and now Leonard McCoy had fallen in love with his best friend, Jim - his body, his mind, his humor - all of it was tangled up together in something that Bones wanted to protect and take care of.

Because of that, he lowered his eyes as Jim changed. "Usual. Geoff said the pot roast was good, thought I'd try some." He heard some scraping and shuffling, so he looked up, eyes lighting on Jim's backside, strong legs and perfect ass as he pulled things out of his drawers. "You need help with that?" he asked, taking a step toward him.

"Think I might have managed it this time," Jim said cautiously, in a tone that suggested he wanted Bones to tell him a yes or no. He had a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt from a bar they had gone to more than a dozen times at the Academy. He was fingering the t-shirt, feeling for the tag.

"That'll work," Bones told him, going to the computer terminal and punching up the menu from the galley and ordered some dinner for the both of them. "I was gonna go sit on the sofa, read a bit 'til dinner showed up. You wanna go over there, or you wanna sit at the table instead?"

That earned him a look that said he was getting too fussy again. "Spock was kind enough to bring up an old PADD game he had from the Academy," Jim said as he got dressed, voice briefly muffled as he pulled on his shirt. "I haven't played much 3D chess, but figured it could be interesting. He's programmed it to speak aloud... you okay with that, or I could wear a headset."

Bones chuckled. "Ain't gonna bother me," he told Jim, heading to the sofa and making himself comfortable. Jim started up his game, and the room was filled with a comfortable silence except for the occasional electronic voice from the PADD and one of Jim's responses. Was this what Spock was doing when Bones managed to get up to the bridge earlier and spotted the Vulcan buried in a PADD? Probably not, but the idea of it made him smirk as he filled out a report about a crewman's injury from Engineering earlier that day.

He was curious if Jim had spoken with the Admiral since their confrontation on the bridge, or maybe Spock had taken over that duty to keep down animosity between Starfleet and the Enterprise. He didn't want to interrupt Jim's game though, seeing Jim leaning over the PADD with a furrowed brow, staring at nothing. The idea of playing chess without being able to see the board alone seemed like an incredibly difficult idea, but 3D chess? Impossible.

It surprised him when Jim spoke up first, "I think Starfleet is going to listen to me over Admiral Fersen."

Bones let that hang in the air a moment before he spoke. "Really?" PADD dropped onto one of the sofa cushions, he got up and headed to the replicator and got them both something to drink, sitting down next to Jim. "You talk to her anymore?"

"No," Jim's head tilted a little in his direction, then curled his fingers around the glass when Bones nudged the drink up against them. "I called Pike. Evidently, Forsen's been stirring up trouble about this back on Earth. Personally asked for this assignment to 'help' with the treaty." Jim snorted, shaking his head.

It was sad that didn't surprise him. Starfleet was supposed to be the best of them, but even here, politics and grabbing for position and even backstabbing wasn't as unexpected as they should have been. Beliefs and opinions were just as likely to sway a decision as science and data. "She got a problem with the political ramifications of this treaty, or she just doesn't like us?" he asked, head turning to the door when the chime went off - food was here.

"If I had to guess," Jim said as he turned in his seat, "both." Bones collected the two large trays, thanking the crewman that had brought them up. With replicators in every room, it was unusual for the galley to send something to someone's room shy of them being ill, but being the chief medical officer could always get results. He laid them out on the table, carefully pushing aside Jim's PADD.

"Decent looking roast beef, looks like Geoff was right," Bones had to admit. He looked at Jim, wondering if he should offer to help. The idea of Jim stabbing blindly with a knife at the roast beef was as dangerous as it was idiotic. "Jim, you want me to...?"

Jim's fingers paused where they were on top of the utensils, and after a second, he nodded. "Yeah, could you?"

Bones cut at the meat as quickly as he could into bite-sized pieces. "Roast is on the east side of the plate," he told him. "Got your potatoes and carrots down south, and some salad over on the west." Seemed as good as any a method of helping him visualize it.

Jim laughed a little, poking around until he had a good idea of where things were. "Feel like I'm going to be engaging in battle with my dinner instead of eating it." He speared a piece of the roast beef, popped it into his mouth, chew, then said calmly, "Look, victory." He laughed again, and Bones wondered if he was imagining that it sounded awkward.

Taking a few bites of his own, he closed his eyes and savored it before he continued talking. "What did Pike say about her?" he asked, curious.

"Says she's young, but conservative. Has a lot of sway with the older Admirals and higher ups. He says that they're trying to find another planet in this part of the sector to use instead of this one, but we all know that it isn't happening. There's a reason that this was such an important mission... now that we've got them wanting to join, half of Starfleet doesn't want them!" Jim shook his head, his fingers tightening to white knuckles on his fork.

"You gotta admit, Jim, from their perspective, what happened down there..." They still hadn't talked about it, not really. "We lost men, and it doesn't look like they care all that much about it." Bones poked at his carrots with his fork, sighing. "It's not an unexpected opinion."

"Cultural differences... you think I feel any less terrible about what happened? We shouldn't have lost either of them. I keep thinking... all the things I could have done differently, but didn't. They just don't see it like we do. We passed their test, at my own damn stupid bidding. I could have rejected it..." Jim's head fell forward into his other hand, fingers rubbing at the muscles around the eyes.

Bones took a long breath and watched Jim ignore his dinner, wishing he'd brought this up after they ate, or not at all. "I know," he said softly, putting his own fork down and reaching for Jim's hand. "I know what you're saying, I do, its just- there's a part of me that doesn't understand them, even now. _You almost died_." Bones rubbed at Jim's hand a moment before pulling back, fork returning to his hand. It was a while before he spoke again. "There's ice cream if you finish your dinner."

"...Did you just bribe me to eat with a sweet?" Jim asked after a stunned silence, then shook his head. His hand flexed on the table before he gestured with it. "I know I did. And I'm still..." He gave a somewhat angry gesture indicating his eyes. "But I'm not going to fuck this up. If we needed the Tuatarans that badly, I trusted Starfleet that we needed them that badly. If they're rejecting them now, what the hell did we go through all that for?"

There were times it was hard to listen to Jim, when he made so much damned sense it almost hurt. Bones remembered how cocky and sure he'd seemed back when they first met, telling everyone he'd be an officer in three years, fast track to his own ship. And here he was, captain of the goddamn flagship, in the middle of a diplomatic dispute a million miles away from Iowa.

And he was right, damn him. "I know," Bones replied, his voice quiet. "We need them. But we need you, too, to be a hundred percent, so yeah, I'm bribing you to eat. Desperate actions, that's what I've been reduced to. Damned bribery."

"I'm eating, I'm eating." Jim shoved a large lump of potatoes into his mouth, chowing down.

If Jim could only see the smile on Bones' face at that... but he couldn't. Despite the decrease in swelling, Jim _still couldn't see_ , and Bones was beginning to worry. Not that he could let that show. "What else did you do today?"

"Made a lot of vid-comms that needed to be done. Seems like word of my accident spread through the whole damn system already, thanks to the Admiral." Jim shook his head. "Don't even know why I did 'em, but I could hear the surprise in their voice. Did my write-up on what happened down there on the planet."

None of them knew Jim Kirk like he did - nothing kept him down for long. "How's the preparations for the treaty signing going? That still on?"

"It is as far as I'm concerned. Whether or not the Admiral likes it, we're still under orders from a higher power than her." Jim smirked before he bit into a piece of the roast beef. Bones admitted to himself, he was pleased to see Jim clean his plate; he wanted the ice cream as much as Jim.

"Ceremony going to be here on board, or on the planet?" From what Bones understood, teams had been sent to the surface, safely returned, with more knowledge of the culture of the Tuatarans. "Would be nice to see Ruud again. I'd like to thank him, for his help."

"I want it here. We went to their turf, let them come to ours. Ruud..." Jim smiled at that. "You think they'd let him come? Saved our lives, I wonder..." His finger started tapping. "Maybe I could find a way to honor him. Something that would mean something to his people, not just ours."

"I'd like that." Bones collected their plates and set them aside. He brought two little bowls of ice cream over to the table, one hand on Jim's shoulder. "Want to go sit on the sofa, kick up your feet?"

Jim's fingers flexed once, then he gave a tiny shake of his head. "Think I'm gonna lay down, actually." But the odd tone in his voice was immediately banished with a grin. "Bring me dessert in bed?"

Dammit, how did Jim make everything sound dirty? "You feeling okay?" Bones wondered, following Jim as he touch-felt his way across the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. Dishes set on a side table, Bones fluffed up some pillows so Jim could sit up while he ate.

"Stop it," Jim said sharply, then let out a sigh. "Just... ice cream?" Jim held out a hand, his voice friendly again. "I smell strawberries."

Bones knew Jim was trying to keep those old habits under control, those that pushed everyone away from him when he needed help and couldn't admit it to anyone. still, it made Bones feel uncomfortable when Jim did that, that useless feeling inside. Handing the bowl to Jim, Bones stood and moved to get his padds from the living area. "Is there anything else you need right now?" he asked, feeling pushed away every time he tried to help. Maybe he should just leave.

"...Just some company from my doctor," Jim said with a smile, digging into his ice cream with relish. He licked some of it off his lips before he asked, "So, how's it looking? Any idea how long until...?" He pointed at his eyes, a look of false confidence on his face.

Bones sighed, dropping his things on the table. Jim's mood swings were to be expected, but that didn't make them any easier to deal with. "Just waiting now," he answered honestly. "It's just an area of the brain we're all still learning about. During your surgery we injected stem cells into your optic nerve. I hope," he continued, sitting on the edge of the bed, "that the cells will begin regenerating on there own."

Jim choked a little, looking up. "You injected..." There was a look of disgust on his face for a second before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Great. That ruins a meal." Didn't stop him from digging into his ice cream.

Then, after only a second of silence - "Do you think we could get the Tuatarans to help us bring up Vickers' and Yamaguchi's bodies?" The sudden change of topic threw Bones for a loop. Jim had returned to using only their last names, distancing himself from what had happened. Bones wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign when it came to Jim's mind. Could be good, pulling back and giving himself some distance to keep the pain of what had happened from poisoning him.

But this was Jim. He took things into himself and processed them internally. Distancing himself could have meant that Jim wasn't processing it at all, like his blindness, and it would only end up far, far worse.

Bones ran a hand over his eyes, quiet, lost in thought. "Vickers, I think he'd be easier, buried out there. We left a marker. But Adam-" Bones exhaled, remembering that terrible moment, seeing both of them sinking, Adam's eyes staring at him as he fell underneath the quicksand. The panic in Bones' heart as he ran to save Jim from meeting the same fate. "I don't know if they'd be able to find Adam."

"Guess not." Jim was staring at the bowl of ice cream, but the blankness of his gaze showed that he wasn't seeing it. He put the bowl into the cup of his lap, the spoon dug deep into the scoop of ice cream. "Should have gotten more information about what this _quest_ was before I said yes," his voice only a whisper.

"Jim," Bones moved to his side. "You can't think that. There was nothing about what they said that led any of us to think that this could happen." Resting his hand on Jim's arm, he squeezed gently. "This wasn't your fault."

"It's an alien species! An alien culture! We had no idea what it could mean, just accepted it at face value when I know the translators are still being tested..." Jim's hand came up and palmed over an eye, smoothing back across the brow until it could grab a handful of hair.

Bones slid his hand up and wrapped his hand loosely around Jim's wrist as he placed the bowl of ice cream on the table. "It's what anyone would have done. It's what they expect you to do, Jim. They gave you this ship because you make that sort of leap of faith." Someone had to take the chances, it was part and parcel of their job. Leaning forward, his voice dropped lower. "You saved me down there."

Jim's head lifted, tilted in his direction. It was painful, almost bizarre, because Jim was the type of man who looked someone in the eye when he spoke. "...Yeah." There was a lot in that single word, but for the life of him, Bones wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was because he couldn't stare down into Jim's eyes, read his soul. That was where Jim exposed himself, at least, to him. Then, when Bones thought that Jim might have drifted off in his thoughts, he heard a quiet murmur. "You saved me too."

Jim had seemed to be taking all of this well. Maybe too well, Bones wondered, looking back on how accepting he'd been of this situation. Bones had chalked it up to Jim's determination, his 'never give up' spirit, but this close, it was easier to see the worn edges around Jim's facade of strength.

"We saved each other," Bones told him, taking Jim's hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He could feel them twitch, strain as if to pull away, then stopped. He knew that no one else got to see this, Jim _afraid_ , and for that he was thankful. Maybe Jim needed someone he could be like this with, someone he could break down in front of, who wouldn't judge him.

With his other hand, Bones lifted Jim's chin, looked inside those sightless eyes, still the bluest blue but without that spark. He loved this face. Until this away mission, he might not have known _quite how much_ he loved this face, and the man behind it, until he almost lost him. "Always gonna save each other, right?" he asked quietly, feeling his heart beating loud in his chest.

"Yeah, course we are. That's what friends do," Jim said quietly, fingers tightening. There was trust there, like a dog being held at the muzzle. "Couldn't let you get hurt, and someone has to put my crazy self back together."

"Friends, yeah," Bones repeated, almost a whisper as he cradled Jim's face. But he didn't have any other friends he felt this way about, that's for damn sure. Bones didn't know what was happening now, but all of a sudden it was clear to him - this is what he needed. What they both needed.

Closing his eyes, he let his fingers trace across Jim's brow, down his cheek, brushed his thumb across Jim's lip, feeling him by memory.

Jim hadn't pulled away, sitting perfectly still, warm breath from his mouth. "Bones?" he finally asked, his voice unsure and confused.

Bones opened his mouth to answer, but then didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was doing either, only that this had been coming for a long time now, and he was ready. "Jim," all he could say before he leaned in and brushed their lips together. He felt Jim stiffen, and there was a little part of him that was glad to catch James T. Kirk by surprise for once. Immediately he tried to soothe it, keeping his touch light along the side of Jim's jaw. When Jim didn't move, didn't even seem to breathe, Bones lost some of his nerve, began questioning himself. He started to pull back, the first word of a rambling apology on his lips when Jim's hand came up, grabbing messily at his neck before gliding around to the back of it, and pulled him back into the kiss.

Some part of him assumed Jim would take right over, the expert he was legend to be. Instead Jim tilted his mouth away, then back again in a brush, deeper, and it became something more tender, exploratory in a way Bones hadn't imagined. He felt Jim's fingers mirror his own, gently mapping the surface of his face and neck through touch, and the longer it went on, the harder it became to think, harder to breathe until Bones had to pull back, hands gripping tight at Jim's shirt.

He lay their foreheads together, exhaling softly though his mouth. This wasn't _anything_ like he expected. In all the many fantasies he'd allowed himself to have about Jim, there had always been something playful, something predatory, the feel that he was being stalked, hunted by the man in his arms. He'd turned Jim down enough times to know that his friend found him attractive, but it hadn't ever been enough before- Bones hadn't wanted to risk what they had for a quick tumble in the sheets.

This- this didn't feel like a tumble. This was deeper, something inside him filling up with lust and hunger and need, but there was _more_. Joy, excitement, affection, maybe even romance, and all of it he felt coming back to him from Jim, hitting him like a wave. Jim wanted him. Jim needed him, and Bones had almost lost him, without ever telling how he felt -all because he'd been so damned scared of being rejected.

Maybe... he could be not scared. He could be brave, like Jim, and be honest with himself. "I want this," he whispered into Jim's mouth. The friendship, the affection, the sex, all of it - Bones wanted it... and he was willing, finally, to ask for it.

Jim's lips and hands stilled, only the sounds of their breathing between them. He closed the centimeters between their lips with the softest brush, a single question said in silence. _Are you sure_?

Bones answered the only way he could. Jim's face in his hands, he slid their mouths together, plunging his tongue in deeply with a groan. _Yes, wanted it, needed it, had to have it right now._ Twisting his body, he moved over Jim's body, finding a place next to him, their arms and legs wrapping around each other as they stretched out long on Jim's bed. Bones' head was spinning, his mind moving a million miles a minute. This was Jim, familiar and warm and someone he knew better than anyone, but this was _Jim_ , kissing him, pressing into him, and it was like nothing he'd ever known.

Cleared of confusion and given a goal of sorts, Jim's hands seemed determined to explore what his eyes couldn't. Fingertips delved under his shirt and spread against his skin, the palm smoothing over his abdomen and along his side until it could be used to pull him closer. Jim's body seemed to wrap around him, their legs tangling together, Jim's hands devouring him whole. That was what Jim was doing, and he only wanted more.

A smile fell on Bones' face as he felt Jim tugging at his shirt, and he lifted himself, helping along until they were both shirtless. He felt Jim's hands slide down to grasp at his ass and his eyes flew open, the sudden realization that this was happening. Bones also knew that Jim was still in a vulnerable place, with the loss of his sight so Bones watched his face carefully as he reached down and cupped the hardness between Jim's legs. Jim's gasp was loud and very real in the space between them, the thrust of his hips forward and the desperate instinctual grind as it found friction.

Bones felt Jim's fingers having to locate, feel their way across familiar-unfamiliar planes and geometry of his body to grasp at his shoulder, to pull his head forward. Now it was Jim's lips on him, Jim's breath hot on his ear. "Know how many nights," Bones could hear the grin, even as Jim's voice had that growl he'd never heard before, "I laid there, wishing I had just a chance at this?" which he punctuated with another forward roll of his hips.

Bones chuckled, thrusting shallowly back against Jim. Fuck, this could be amazing, the two of them together. Jim's obvious hunger gave him more confidence to let his own hands roam Jim's back, resting on his ass and pulling it closer to him. "You have me now," he nosed against Jim's ear.

The breathy laugh was almost a moan, made him shiver even as he felt Jim give a quick wriggle and stretch out over him. He turned his head to see Jim fumbling at the dresser and didn't have to guess what Jim pulled out without needing to see. The lube dropped within reaching distance on the nightstand and Jim was back, using his mouth to map the length of his neck, kiss where his pulse beat under his skin. Bones moaned at the idea of what would be happening soon, and began pulling at the fastenings to Jim' pants, pushing them down with his own until they were both naked and needy.

And then Jim's mouth was on his again, slow again, deep kisses that reduced the entire world to this bed and the two men on it. He caught his breath when Jim's hand wrapped around his cock, and when he looked up he saw Jim's face, alive with a myriad of emotions that Bones had never seen before on his friend. Memorizing that look, he moaned quietly as he began thrusting slow into Jim's hand. Jim's thumb rolled over the head of his cock, then pulled back up so he could lick the visible droplet of pre-cum hanging on the edge of his thumb. Jim licked his lips, smirking slightly and Bones exhaled loudly, "...fuck."

Then Jim's hand was on him again, and Bones was arching into it, groaning loud, harder than he'd been in years and he wondered at what point he'd lost control of this situation.

Still, Bones had no problem letting Jim take the lead here, if he wanted. Spreading his legs wider, Bones felt Jim shift lower, his long cock pressed against his hip. "Fuck, Jim," he murmured, kissing words into Jim's mouth, "don't wanna wait anymore."

"Don't have to," Jim whispered, pressing his lips against Bones' shoulder. "Don't have to." He grabbed for the lube, knocking it over in his attempt until he wrapped his fingers over it all in the process of trying not to fall off the bed, and nearly failing. Bones quick-grabbed for Jim's shoulder and levered him back, causing them to both pause and grin, Jim laughing first, happily nosing into skin as he got open the lube.

It had been years since Bones had been with another guy, and even though it was _Jim_ touching him now, he held his breath as Jim's lube-covered fingers pressed into him. Nerve endings came alive under Jim's touch, and Bones arched as he felt fingers breech him, slowly opening and stretching him. His fingers dug into Jim's shoulder as he took deep breaths, feeling that strange pressure, not bad, just... different.

Jim's mouth was back on his neck again, biting at his collarbone and Bones groaned, feeling a second finger inside him. Jim was never silent, murmuring quiet words into his skin, little sounds and phrases of encouragement and compliments. Bones only caught snippets of them, feeling a flush run hot-cold through his body when Jim not only reached for his cock and gave a smirking dirty few words about the size of it, wondering how it'd feel inside of him.

Jim's fingers worked deeper in him, curving into him until he felt them nudge up against his prostate and he grunted out a sound of need with it. "Jim..." Bones groaned loud, his body alive with need. Fuck, it was good, this feeling of Jim inside him. But he wanted more. Spreading his legs wider, he rolled his hips up into Jim's fingers.

Bones groaned again when Jim gave a quiet laugh, nuzzling up to his ear. "Gonna tell me what you want?" Just a whisper, pure tease.

"...want you to fuck me," he bit at Jim's neck, the words pulled from him like a confession. At that moment there was nothing more he wanted than to feel Jim deep inside him. Pulling back to look in Jim's eyes, he surprised himself to realize he'd forgotten about the injury. Then Jim's fingers curled again, making Bones' cock throb as electricity snapped through his body. "Want you inside me."

The moan that left Jim was worth the small embarrassment of his words, and he matched it with his own when he suddenly felt empty as Jim's fingers pulled out of him. He felt them slide across his skin until they were at his hip, Jim feeling, trying to find his best position when he couldn't see. Bones reached down as he felt Jim poking at him, guiding Jim to him, feeling the blunt tip press where he wanted it. Another breath and then Jim was inside him, sliding slow and deep and thick, stretching him past anything he'd ever known before. Fingers grasped at Jim's shoulders and he gasped, pressing his head to Jim's shoulder.

There was a moment where Jim paused, deep inside him and Bones felt him shudder above him. Then he started moving, slow at first, pulling out then thrusting back inside, finding a rhythm where they came together, hands and mouths and groins. It was different, strange, good, the constant feeling of being filled, the smooth glide out, the emptiness that he wanted filled again. Jim's hands were tight on his hips, pulling him forward with each thrust. Bones forced his eyes open, staring at Jim's face. It was filled with concentration, at the brows and temples, and ended in lust with wet, parted lips. It was hard to remember why he had denied himself this for so longer, with Jim thrusting into him, and even harder when one of Jim's hands circled his cock and squeezed.

It didn't, couldn't, take long with Jim leaning over him, muttering curses and prayers. It was Jim who came first, gasping against his skin and wriggling even at his deepest point to get deeper, pulling a strangled groan out of Bones at that feeling of being completely filled. Jim's body convulsed against him, tightening up then relaxing like a snapped wire. For several moments, there was nothing at all except the heat of Jim's body against him, _inside him_ , branding him in subtle ways.

But he was still hard, aching to finish and before he could say anything, Jim's hand started moving on his cock again. Jim didn't move from his spot above, left his forehead against Bones' collarbone and stroked him, fingers tight against him. It was more than just the friction that pulled Bones right back to the moment, cleared away every other damn thought, but the quiet, low, sex-ladened tone Jim whispered in. "Wanna feel you come, if I can't see it."

That voice, so much lower right now that Bones imagined and the hand gripping him were too much at once, after that pounding he'd taken. Unable to hold back another minute, Bones let go, shuddering, feeling his orgasm spilling out of him, slow onto Jim's hand. His hands gripped at the bed as his back arched during those last spasms. Jim kept up the honeyed words, thick in his head and it seemed to go on forever.

But eventually the room stopped spinning. Completely sated, Bones lay there, arms wrapped around Jim, his fingers threading through soft, blond hair. He hadn't been this blissful in a long time, and it wasn't even the sex, though that had been good, really good. It was this, the closeness, their two bodies still twined together in a way that made him smile. Bones hadn't allowed himself to even imagine this was possible, and now they were here.

There were worries in the back of his head. Jim's injury still weighed on his mind, as did his emotional state. Leaning down to kiss the top of Jim's head, Bones sighed, rumbling deep in his chest. "That was good."

"Mmm," Jim hummed a sound of appreciation as he shifted so his full weight wasn't on Bones, eyes still closed. He spread out, a sedated smile on his lips. "...I'll get up. Eventually." Which sounded like never, halfway to sleep already.

"No hurry," Bones murmured back, it only sort of occurring to him that this was Jim's room, and he was the one that needed to go. But it was warm here in Jim's arms, comfortable and why on earth would he want to leave this? But it was also cold in here, Jim's room a cooler temperature than he normally kept his own. Tugging at the blanket on Jim's bed, Bones pulled at it until there was enough to cover them both.

He felt Jim's snort. "Make yourself at home, why don't ya?" he chuckled quietly into his shoulder.

That wasn't the worst idea Bones heard that night... "Okay," he replied, pulling over one of the numerous pillows on Jim's bed, then tucked it under his head comfortably. "Night, Jim," he added, trying to keep a straight face as he pretended to fall asleep.

There was a long silence in the room, then Bones felt Jim's fingers creeping over his side and up his chest. It tickled, so he squirmed for a second before grumpily getting ready to shove it off, but it stopped there on his chest and flattened. "...You're really here, right?" Jim's voice was quiet, thick with sleep.

There was so much he wanted to say right now, but they'd done a lot tonight. They could talk tomorrow. "Go to sleep, Jim." And though he hadn't intended originally on spending the night, Jim's arms were wrapped tight around him, the most amazing feeling, and there was no way he was leaving now.

 

The next day the hours passed too slow. Bones sat in his office editing reports, but his head was full of thoughts about the night before. Jim. He hadn't felt like this since he was a horny teenager, but fuck, all he wanted to do right now was march up to the bridge and kiss Jim some more.

His terminal beeped, pulling his attention away from the tenth daydream of the day.

 

  
**If you are receiving this memorandum, you are required to attend the briefing regarding the treaty signing between the Tuataran race and the Federation. 2259.13 at 0930 in the Captain's briefing room.**  


  
**Cmdr. Spock**  


 

Bones hadn't a clue what he needed to be at this meeting for, or what his role in this was supposed to be. This was Jim's baby, what he'd work so hard and bled for, nearly died for - he was the one who really needed to be there, taking his place among the signers. Of course Bones would go to the ceremony, to make sure Jim was taken care of, but what else could they want him for?

And why this meeting, in Jim's office?

 

  
**Spock - any chance you've heard from them whether the kid who was with us, Ruud, is going to be there?**  


 

Just then an alarm went off, two crew members from the botany lab who'd inhaled some toxin. Three hours later, when he returned to his office, there was still no response from Spock. And nothing from Jim, but... he tried not to let that bother him. Jim was busy, too, getting back to work. Wasn't like he had much privacy either, people around to help him all the time.

But as he was getting ready to leave, three more came in from the galley and it was another hour and a half before he'd figured out what it was. With his typical grumble Bones configured an antidote to the nausea and vomiting, and sent messages round to the kitchens to immediately destroy all canisters of concentrated Trixian bubble juice.

Another late day in Sickbay, and when it was over Bones headed straight for Jim's room automatically, not even thinking about where he was going. They hadn't made specific plans to be together again, it was just - they'd had dinner together the last few nights, talking late into the evening, not to mention what happened last night. Might not be enough to call it a relationship, but it was enough of a pattern that he hoped Jim was waiting in his room for him so they could eat together.

After he pressed the buzzer and the doors opened though, he saw he was partly right.

Jim was bent forward, both elbows on the table in front of him, head bent down with an expression on his face that resembled pain. Spock was standing behind him, eyes closed in concentration, fingers buried deep in Jim's hair to the scalp. As Bones stood in the doorway, Jim let out a moan from somewhere deep in his chest, fingers squeezing together then releasing sharply. "What the hell are you doing!" Bones stormed into the room, reaching for Spock's arm. "Get off of him, right now!"

Jim jerked hard at the sudden shout, as did Spock. Jim looked in Bones' direction and Spock tilted his head. "Is there a problem, Doctor McCoy?"

Under Spock's hands, Jim flinched. "Could you both stop yelling...?"

Bones stared at them both. "What the hell do you think you are doing to my patient?" he asked, glaring at Spock's hands, still on Jim, his voice low and biting.

"I am attempting to use a Vulcan technique to alleviate the headache that the Captain has complained of during the last four point seven hours," Spock said calmly, a curious look on his face.

"He's giving me a head massage," Jim murmured, folding his arms and putting his forehead on them.

A head massage... "Where does your head hurt?" Bones leaned in closer to Jim, reaching for his scanner and immediately running it over Jim's head. "You should have contacted me," he growled in a low voice, as if Spock wasn't standing right there, getting in the way.

"It's just a headache," Jim tilted his head. "Been getting them off and on, and got one now. We were playing," he gestured vaguely in the direction of a 3D Chessboard already set up, coming dangerously close to knocking it over, "and Spock suggested it."

"I assure you, Doctor, it will have no detrimental effect on the Captain's health. It is merely-"

"And you don't think I need to know that your head is bothering you?" Bones could barely keep his voice under control. The readings weren't out of the ordinary, and it was likely the headaches were the result of Jim's being too active too soon. But that wasn't the point. "Can I talk to you privately?" he asked, cutting his eyes in Spock's direction.

"Sorry..." Jim started, then closed his eyes again.

Spock gave Bones an unreadable look, then stated to Jim, "Perhaps we will continue our game tomorrow night." Bones swore he could hear a question in Spock's voice.

Jim waved his hand. "Yeah, wanna kick your ass at this."

"Why would you desire to-"

"Figure of speech, Spock. Good night, see you in the morning."

"Evening," Spock said to them both before turning with another of those curious glances, leaving the room and the two men in it.

The door hadn't even slid closed all the way before Bones turned to Jim. "When did these headaches start?" he asked, his voice sharper than he intended.

Jim looked up, brows furrowing at the tone. "...Yesterday I had one."

Yesterday. "Was it hurting last night, when we-" Bones asked, taking a slow, deep breath. Too fucking soon, too soon to do that with Jim, he fucking knew better. "Shit."

"No," Jim sat up more fully, but there was something tight in his voice. "No." He leaned back in his chair, turning his head away.

Bones felt in his pockets, no hypo. "Want me to go get you something for the pain?" he sighed. "I can run to-"

"No," said with some force. "I'm fine, Bones, just a headache. The massage actually was helping until you decided to throw a hissy fit about it." Jim rubbed the bridge of his nose, sighing.

Jim's words stung, more than Bones wanted to admit. "Well maybe I should go see if Spock's still out there, if you'd rather let him take care of your ass."

That made Jim's head come up and he stared with blank eyes at Bones. " _What_?" His voice went tight, sharp, and his fingers were clenching hard on the edge of the table.

"You tell him when you're hurtin' but you don't pick your comm unit and let me know?" Bones hadn't meant to get this angry, but the more he thought about it, the worse the feeling inside him got. "How the fuck am I supposed to fix you unless you talk to me!"

"I got hit in the back of the head and you didn't tell me to watch out for a headache! Don't you think I talk to you!?" Jim stood up, fingers holding onto the edge to keep himself stable. "Why the hell are you acting like this?!"

That pissed Bones off. "Acting like what, your physician? Like someone who-" He stopped, making a fist at his side. Two could play at that game. "So," he began calmly, "is it hurting now?" he asked, his voice sounding strangely high-pitched.

"I'm sorry, all right? Is anything wrong? I don't see you rushing me to Sickbay so I guess not," Jim snapped. "Hurting now that this has happened."

Bones stopped at that. "Now that _what_ has happened?"

"You came in here yelling and angry for no reason, immediately jumping on Spock like he was doing something wrong!" Jim gave a rough throw of his hand in the direction of the door.

"I walked in here, and you were on the table and he was all over you, his hands on your head. What was I supposed to think?" Bones snapped back, though some of the anger had left his voice.

"That he's my First Officer and he isn't gonna hurt me!" Jim turned away, letting out a breath.

Bones just stared at him, unsure what to do or say. The entire scene spun out of control and he just wanted it to stop. "Look, just... tell me if you're hurting, okay? I need to know," Bones asked him, his voice dropping low.

""Fucking hurting right now," Jim mumbled to himself, his mood clearly darkened.

 _Fuck_ , Bones thought, taking a step toward Jim. "You hungry?" he asked, trying to get things back to normal.

But Jim shook his head. "I'm not hungry. Spock fed me during our chess match," Jim said, glaring uselessly at the floor.

"Oh." Didn't mean anything, shouldn't have bothered him but that sentence poked a hole in him, and all the air deflated out of his body. "You need anything or should I-" _Should I just leave_? he wondered.

"Is there something wrong with just _staying_ here?" A quiet but sharp whisper. But Bones still didn't know what to say, so he just sat down at the table, hands folded in front of him.

He watched Jim make his way slowly to the replicator and bit his lip, trying to keep from offering to get him a glass of water. "You have a good day?" he asked, trying to get them back to where they could just talk to each other.

"Oh, yeah. Great day," Jim said with a defeated feeling of sarcasm biting through it. "Coffee, hot, two teaspoons of sugar and one of cream." When the replicator finished, the hum of its working going silent, Jim felt along the edge of it until he could find the cup. Every moment was slower, hesitating as Jim's mind second guessed what it was feeling. He had to pause to make sure his grip was secure on the cup in a way most people did instinctively, and eventually got back to the table with his prize in hand.

Bones made his way to the console and called the galley, asking for a dinner tray sent to the captain's room, then returned back to the table, sitting across from Jim. Maybe... maybe he had overreacted to seeing Spock there next to Jim. Jim stared blindly in front of him, eyes unfocused, yet still managing to tear Bones apart with their sadness. He reached a hand out, and slowly covered Jim's hand with his own. "I'm sorry 'bout that. Didn't mean to come in here and piss you off."

The hand flinched, then settled. "I know, Bones, I know. It just hasn't been easy."

"Then you should let me help, when I can." Bones slid over closer, until he could nose the hair behind Jim's ear. "Can we start this all over again?" he asked, one arm dropping on Jim's shoulders.

Now Jim was tense again, and he let out a sharp breath through his teeth. "Why... why are you doing this?" There was a tightness in his voice that was hard to read.

Bones pulled his arm back, and stared. "Why? Because I thought- why are _you_ acting like this?" He couldn't remember the last time he felt this alienated from Jim, especially after last night. "I'm just trying to make things right here. Help you out."

"You never, before, and...." Jim snorted, standing up again. "I'm not the one that's acting different!"

"I- what?" Bones stood as well, pushing the chair back away from him. "But things are different." A million times different. A million times better. One more step, and he was next to Jim again. "C'mon, let's just go sit down together, okay? We can just sit down and relax, like last night, right?" He slid his arm around Jim's waist, pulling him close.

It was the wrong move, Bones knew it instantly as Jim's body tensed up against his. Jim jerked out of his arms and stumbled back, hitting the back of his chair and spilling ungracefully to the ground. "Fuck," Bones yelled, reaching for Jim's hands to help him up. "What is going on, I'm not supposed to touch you now?"

"You've never acted like this before!" Jim snapped at him, already working on standing up on his own. "Why are-" Then he stilled there on the floor, lips parted, face a mask of an epiphany. "Out."

Bones pulled his hands back slowly, confusion all over his face. "What?"

"I don't need... I don't need that from _you_ , of all people!" Jim got himself up, face turned away. "You should know that more than anybody!"

. _..from you of all people_. Bones understood. From the one who got Jim in this situation to begin with. Jim wouldn't be blind if he hadn't been saving Bones' worthless ass, so why would he want anything from him now.

Suddenly, it made sense. _Don't need you_. No, particularly if he had everyone else helping him. Didn't need Bones around. Didn't want him around; tonight made that crystal clear.

"Fine," he said, his own voice small and tight as he turned around and stormed out of the room, not stopping as he saw the galley worker heading toward Jim's room, not stopping until he stood inside his own quarters, almost unfamiliar after spending so much time with Jim in his room.

Here, finally, Bones grabbed a bottle and sat heavily on his sofa, drinking himself into a deep, lonely sleep and wondering where it all went wrong.

 

 

The next three days were long and grueling and Bones couldn't remember the last time he'd been this unhappy. As long as he could remember knowing Jim, since their friendship began they'd talked at least once a day, maybe more. Being pushed away like this - he couldn't understand it, especially after what happened between them.

But more than anything, Bones missed his friend.

He sat through the daily senior staff briefings, looking down and doodling on his padd when the topic did not affect him. When Spock (or Jim, increasingly more often) asked about the medical concerns on board, he answered, fully and succinctly, but without his usual casual warmth or humor. Bones just felt dead inside, as lost and unseeing as Jim.

Today's meeting was no different. It lasted too long, the indifference in Jim's attitude like a dagger to his heart. This, he realized, is why he had said no so many times. Being friends had been enough, and now that was ruined.

"Leonard." Bones looked up from his thoughts to see Nyota standing next to him.

"Yes?" he asked, watching as the room emptied out. Bones' eyes followed Spock assisting Jim back to the bridge. Jim was moving on without him, Bones saw. Maybe it was time he did as well. "What can I do for you?" he asked, giving her the special smile he saved for her.

She sat down, rested her hand on his arm. "I was going to ask you the same."

But Bones just shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Liar," she said, pulling a piece of candy out of her pocket and handing it to him with her own quiet smile. "I'm supposed to remind you that we've got that big briefing tomorrow afternoon on the treaty signing and ceremony welcoming them into the Federation. Make sure you know what you're supposed to do."

Bones took the sweet, unwrapped it and put it in his mouth, but frowned. "I know what they want, but I still don't understand..."

"You were down there, you survived. That makes you special to them." Her voice softened, knowing how hard the experience had been for them all. "The Tuatarans asked for you to be there, as part of the celebration."

Bones knew this, but fuck, he hated it. Felt more like they should be having a funeral than a party. "This is Jim's doing, he's the one that they need to see there."

"He wants you there, too." Bones scoffed loudly at this, and she sighed. "He misses you. Why do men have to be so stubborn? Why can't you all just say what you feel? He was no better, after he and I got to talk again the other day. Lucky for him," her lips turned up into a small smile, something almost sentimental, "I could tell."

That sounded like Jim. How was he supposed to answer her, though? Tilting his head to look at her, Bones gave her a sad smile. "It's not always that easy." It answered all her questions, spoken and unspoken.

"It's not always that hard, ether." She stood, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "I know a lot of languages, Leonard, and saying 'I'm sorry' in Standard isn't any harder than any of the others."

"...Maybe."

Nyota laughed, and he smiled; she had a great laugh. "I'll see you later, Leonard." Bones watched her leave, but didn't get up, not yet. Maybe she was right, and they just needed to talk. Fuck knows they weren't going to make it another four years avoiding each other like this.

 

The following morning Bones headed to his office, nodding at the gamma shift heading out the door. Getting his usual morning coffee, he listened to the report from the doctor on duty during gamma shift.

"...broken ribs, black eyes. Said they hadn't been fighting, but it looked that way, so we reported to their supervisor. Oh, and the captain was in about an hour ago. Headache."

Bones looked up at that. "I wasn't called?" Everyone knew that Bones was Jim's personal physician, and didn't trust anyone else to look after him.

"He didn't want you disturbed, was very clear on that," Doctor Pipero told him, pulling up the medical report so Bones could look at it. _JT Kirk reported to Sickbay at 0548, complaining of pain to the back of the head; prescribed 30 ccs of triptacederine and told to report back if he had any nausea, dizziness, fatigue, ...etc._ Dropping the PADD on the counter, Bones turned and headed to his office, half-ready to contact Jim and find out what was wrong when he stopped.

Jim didn't want him treating him. Or just didn't want to be near him. Going and making a scene would be satisfying but counterproductive, and Jim wouldn't ever trust him again, as friend or physician.

 _Fuck._ At least Jim came in and let someone look at his head, even if it wasn't him. _It's something_ , he thought, as he left his office and went to go work on his patients.  
Hours later Bones was finally back in his office, catching a very late lunch. There had been no time for breakfast as reports of a problem floated up from the depths of the science labs, followed by rumors that some chemicals had spilled, ending with a panicked patients brought up to Sickbay. The morning had become chaos after that, trying to unstick seven crewman, ensigns, and a crabby lieutenant from the expanding, incredibly sticky foam-gel substance they had managed to create. It had taken over one of the rooms in the labs before someone had gotten the bright idea to lock the room down, and when it had finally stopped expanding, those trapped inside had to be cut out with phasers.

It had been a race against time to keep carving off chunks of whatever it was so it didn't take over Sickbay. They cut away the people from each other so they could be treated and medical and science joined forces to figure out how to stop the newly created substance from expanding and sticking to everything it touched.

After taking a fast shower in Sickbay to rid himself of the reek of the chemicals, all Bones wanted was something to eat, and a drink or two from the bottle he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk.

If he could manage it, maybe even a nap.

What he wasn't expecting was the steady beep of his comm going off. After picking it up and flicking it open, he stood shocked at the name- Cpt. Kirk, James T. -on the screen. Was the Captain looking for a report on what had happened in Sickbay? "Doctor McCoy here," he answered more formally than normal.

"..." There was a long enough silence that Bones frowned, opening his mouth to say Jim's name when suddenly, "Report to my quarters." The communication terminated after that. Bones wasn't sure what he was more confused about - the sudden order to report to Jim's room, or the strange tone of Jim's voice. Unsure what to expect, he grabbed his medical kit and headed to Jim's room, moving fast down the corridor.

He didn't stop until he stood in front of the door, waiting to be let in. The doors slid open, and Bones stepped inside, a tight feeling inside him at being back here after all that happened. The tight feeling only got worse when he looked around.

The entire room was a disaster. Books were pulled from the shelves, the sheets were off the bed, clothing everywhere. It looked like a tornado had swept through. There in the center of it all, sitting on the edge of the bed, was Jim. He was bent over, staring down at his feet flat on the floor, arms laying across his thighs.

Bones took another step into the room, trying to assess the situation, then walked over to the bed. "Jim?" Kneeling on the ground in front of Jim, Bones said his name again, making sure Jim knew he was there before reaching over to touch his shoulder. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, trying to sound calmer than he felt.

Jim looked up, or at least his head came up. He blinked once, then said quietly, "I can't find it."

Something was wrong. Very wrong. In the four years Bones had known the man in front of him, he hadn't ever seen him like this- like all the life had been drained from him. "Can't find what, Jim?" Bones asked, talking low and quiet, like he was calming a spooked animal. "Maybe I can help."

There was a far longer silence before Jim's brows furrowed together, and he shook his head. "...I can't remember. I can't..." His voice trailed off, and his hands moved to link together, wringing each other.

"Tell me what you were doing, maybe we can figure it out." This wasn't Bones being Jim's doctor right now, this was something deeper. The way Jim sat on the bed, his slouched position, the room looking torn apart... Bones was _scared_. "Tell me what's going on right now, in here," he asked quietly, fingers stroking Jim's temple gently.

"Nothing," was the first answered, followed quickly on its heels by, "Everything." Jim's fingers flexed, tightened under the knuckles were white.

"Jim, did something happen this morning?" Bones asked, sitting down next to Jim, trying just to provide some sort of support. He knew the worst thing he could do with right now was push this too fast.

"No."

Okay. "You got anywhere you need to be right now?" Bones reached down and picked up the bed pillows from the ground, pulling up the sheets and gathering them on the bed. "Maybe we can just sit here for a while and talk."

"...No. Off-duty." Which wasn't true, there were still a few hours of alpha shift left.

That was worrisome. "Will you take off your boots, lay back and get comfortable?" Bones straightened out the blanket as quietly as he could, remembering how angry Jim got when it looked like Bones was doing things for him. "Been a long day, I'd like to get off my feet as well."

Jim didn't move though, still staring downwards. His eyes closed and he sagged a little more. "Bones, it's been a week. I still can't see." There was a tightness in his voice, a little higher than normal.

His hand was up, touching Jim's face gently before Bones could stop himself. Tilting Jim's face slightly upward, he felt his heart beating fast in his chest, despite the knot in his stomach. "Gimme a little more time, Jim. You're doing so well." When Jim didn't pull away he continued, his thumb rubbing small circles along Jim's jawline. "You can't know how proud I am of you, how well you're doing right now."

Jim's face twisted, something heart breaking in the pain and anger that was there. "Stop it!" He jerked his chin back, eyes squeezed shut. "Stop _pitying_ me like this! I don't need it!"

Bones took a deep breath, fist falling into the pillow, frustrated. "I'm not pitying you, Jim, I'm trying- fuck, I'm trying to be close to you, try to help anyway I can, because yes, you do need some help right now." He stood, took a few steps, rubbing his forehead. "And if you need help, I want-" I wanna be the one to help you. "Needing someone right now does not make you weak."

"BULLSHIT!" Jim's voice rang in echo at the edges of the room. "All those years, all those years where you told me to back off, that you didn't want anything until this happened," his hand gave a wild wave in front of his eyes, "then, just then, you decide to let me fuck you?! I don't need that pity from you, especially from you." His fingers tightened so hard his knuckles cracked.

Then Jim went still, silent, and looking almost horrified. He stood up all at once, fingernails scraping over his scalp until he was holding a chunk of his hair, head bent forward, as he turned away from Bones.

Bones froze at the words, still as a statue. _Was that what Jim thought?_ That all of this, all the time they'd spent together, getting closer and then finally being together - Jim thought it was pity? "Let you... you think I _let you fuck me because of that?_ " Oh no, no... things started clicking into place, making sense in Bones' head. The one thing Jim _never_ accepted was pity. "I don't know which one of us is the bigger idiot..."

Jim just stood there, broken and in pieces and pushing him away, all because of a misunderstanding, a fucking huge one. Because _they never talked_. So Bones walked in front of him, his heart aching at the pained look on Jim's face, and all of a sudden he wondered why it had been so hard before, to tell Jim how he felt. All the reasons before, his own fear and jealousy, falling away at the idea of losing this fragile _thing_ they had in their hands.

Large, cool hands held Jim's face up to his, and Bones looked into those sightless eyes, still bright and shining despite their emptiness. "I almost lost you," he whispered, their faces close together. "You could have died down there, without you ever knowing-" Bones' hands slid further back, cupping Jim's head, and his voice dropped even further down. "-Without knowing how much I- I need you." Feeling Jim shaking slightly in his arms, he brushed their lips together softly, feeling warm breath on his lips. "I need you, Jim."

Jim shook his head, eyes squeezing shut. "You didn't before, Bones. You _didn't_..." He was stiff where he stood, like a piece of brittle glass about to shatter at the slightest jar. Jim, who never reached out to another person but constantly seemed to keep them close, within touching distance, as if that was enough. They were both the same in their stubbornness, both more than a little broken by their pasts and glued back together with their own will power and help from each other.

"I did," Bones told him, warmth and affection rounding out his voice. "I do, more than you know. I was afraid of it, Jim. Afraid of needing you, afraid that you wouldn't want any more than a fuck when I wanted so much more." Bones suspected everyone on board knew how he felt about his captain, that it was more than mere friendship that bound them together. But he wasn't sure there was anyway he could convince Jim of that right now. "Shouldn't have taken something like this happening for me to tell you, but it did, and I'm sorry." He sighed, their foreheads touching. "Please sit down, Jim. Just... sit with me."

Sightless eyes opened, narrow, squeezed shut again. "I don't like doing this without being able to see you," Jim said roughly, but he sat down. Without seeing expression, the only clues Bones could use to make Jim understand were his touches and his words.

So Bones sat next to him, lifting Jim's hands to his own face, his fingers covering Jim's as he felt them tighten on his skin. "I'm right here, just me. You know me better than anyone... what more do you need to see?"

Jim's thumb moved lightly across his cheek bone before he pulled his hand back. He was silent, lips parting then shutting as if he struggled to find the right words. Then he sighed, rubbing under his nose. "You don't say what your eyes say, all right?"

It did make sense, in a 'them' sort of way. Trusted each other with their lives but not their hearts. "Okay, Jim," Bones told him. "That's fair. I made you wait, guess I don't mind waiting a little longer, 'til I get your eyes straightened out. And I am gonna get your eyes fixed, I promise you that." Another soft kiss, then one more to Jim's forehead and Bones stood, looking around the scattered room. "You feel like resting for a while, or should we see if we can find what you were looking for?"

But Jim was looking in his direction with an odd expression on his face. "Wait? For what?"

"For you to believe me," Bones told him, bending down to pick up some books, re-shelve them. "For you to see. For you to want to be with me again. Take your pick." Gathering the padds on the floor, he tossed them on Jim's desk before sitting back down on the edge of Jim's bed.

"And if it never comes back?" Jim's voice had gone blank again, but there was something different in how he held himself than when Bones had come in.

"Then I'll have to win you over the hard way, with my charm," he told Jim, gruff and affectionate and familiar, as Jim's datapad made a chirping noise. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that." With his joke, he saw Jim relax a little and was glad at least he could do something right.

His own communicator made a similar beep, an alarm reminding him of their meeting regarding the treaty signing. "We need to get to that planning meeting. You remember what it was you were looking for?" he asked.

Jim breathed out, closing his eyes. "A gift. I wanted to give Ruud a gift. From me... from us. To thank him."

Trust Jim to think of something like that. "That's a good idea." Taking a step closer to Jim, he asked, "Can you remember what it was?"

There was a frustrated sound from Jim, turning his head in Bones' direction. "I don't know. I couldn't think of something, it feels like I can't even remember what's in my room."

Bones looked around at the room, Jim's possessions still askew. "I can go over the things in here with you later if you want, after the meeting."

"...Okay." Jim stood up, a stiffness in his body that just didn't look right on him. He rubbed at an eye, then with caution in his voice, asked, "Do you see a PADD on the floor that's still lit up? I was using it when I decided to find a gift." Bones looked at Jim, could see it on his face the simple frustration at having to ask for help for something so simple. He wondered what it was that set Jim off exactly, tearing apart the room in a frenzied state, if the mess was any indication.

"Yeah, got it here," Bones said, putting it in his hand. "C'mon, Jim, let's go." Bones held out his arm for Jim to take, and they slowly made their way out the door.

 

The meeting dragged on longer than it should have. Any notion or suggestion Jim brought up in the name of the treaty with the Tuatarans, Admiral Fersen shot down or debated. There was obvious tension between the Admiral and the Captain, and while Jim was clearly frustrated even as he visibly kept his calm, there was something more that Bones couldn't put a finger on. Jim's head kept swiveling back and forth, his eyes going wide, then narrowing, then closing and opening quickly or slowly.

If someone could fidget with their eyes, that was what Jim was doing. Under normal circumstances, Jim was the kind of person to look someone dead in the eyes until he got his point across or the other person looked away.

So what was going on?

"Doctor?"

Bones looked up to see everyone looking at him. "Pardon," he said apologetically. "Can you repeat that?"

Spock managed an irritated smugness that somehow remained professional at the same time. "I asked if you understood your particular role in the ceremony."

"I'm supposed to sit to the left of the Speaker and try not to say anything embarrassing."

The pleased look on the Vulcan's face shouldn't have been as amusing but there was something endearing about it. "Precisely." Tapping on the console in front of him, the image on the wall viewer went blank. "That concludes this meeting. Until tomorrow," he added, looking at everyone in the room as he stood, his eyes lingering a moment longer on Jim - did he see it too?

Bones saw Jim standing, holding the table with one hand for support and made his way there as quickly as he could without appearing obvious. "Everything okay there?" he asked, mindful of the group slowly exiting the room.

Jim's head turn in his direction, and he shook his head. "I don't know but.... I think..."

"You think what?" Bones asked in a low voice, full of concern and worry.

"I think I see a spot."

"A spot- a spot of... light?" Was that it? Something breaking through the darkness?

Jim made a frustrated sound. "I don't know. I can't tell if its one of the colors I keep seeing because of my head or it really is a spot but there's something there!"

"Shhh," Bones made a gentle, quieting noise, one hand on top of Jim's to calm him down. "It's okay. Let's get over to Sickbay and check it out, okay?"

Jim's hand suddenly turned over and their fingers laced together and Bones felt his heart tug in his chest. "...Yeah. Let's go." There was a soft squeeze, then Jim pulled his hand away and started feeling for the door.

The trip to Sickbay seemed longer than usual, Bones keeping a close eye on Jim's facial expressions. Despite Jim's frustration, there was something there that Bones hadn't seen since the accident -hope. Neither man spoke during the trip, and even as they entered Sickbay Bones shook off all those who headed toward them, offering assistance. He knew Jim would rather do this as privately as possible, and walked him to a room in the back, closing the door to all the curious onlookers. Leading him to a biobed, he placed Jim's hand on it. "Hop on and let me take a look."

There was something subtle and grateful about the bit of guidance, all hidden under a grin as Jim did as he was told all too literally and hopped his ass up on the edge of the biobed. Jim was unusually silent, but there was a tension in his outline mixed in with that hope. The hope came with the price of fear, but at this point, Bones was willing to take any of it he could get. This first sign of something was enough to get his heart racing, and Bones looked down to see his hands shaking as he picked up the scanner.

"Normal readings," he murmured quietly. "That's not changed." Good, at least the spot or shadow or whatever wasn't a sign of something gone wrong. Bones flipped a few buttons and suddenly the scanner began emitting a bright light. Shining it in Jim's face, Bones asked, "Tell me what you see."

The hope blossomed into something stronger when he saw Jim's head moving in a too-wide arc, but actually following the vague pattern he was moving the light. "The spot's moving, I think?"

"Good," he said, then moving the light up and down, trying to keep the smile off his face when he saw Jim's face follow that as well. "One more," Bones told him, turning the light off, and silently lowering the scanner. "How 'bout now?"

Jim frowned, looking around. "It's stopped moving. It's back sort of in the middle now."

All of this gave Bones an idea. "I'm gonna try something here, okay?" Bones recalibrated his tricorder, and slowly held it to the back of Jim's head and began stimulating the cells with a low energy pulse. "Something in there is trying to work," he told Jim, giving him a quick layman's overview of what he was doing. "This might help, but I can't guarantee your head won't hurt for a little while," he added apologetically. "Let me give you something for the pain."

As expected, Jim shook his head immediately. "Don't need it."

"Dammit, Jim, I just blasted your head with gamma rays, you are going to feel off for a bit." Bones tried to keep the sarcastic tone out of his voice. "Let me take you to your room to sleep it off. At least rest for a while."

"Bones, I have this treaty to get ready for, I can't just be sitting around resting. What's the spot mean? Does it mean what I think it does?" As if saying the words would shatter the reality of possibility.

"I don't know, Jim, but the only way I'm gonna find out is if you sit still long enough for me to track it, make sure its-" Bones sighed. "Can you work in your room? Or does it have to be the office? At least let me give you something to help with the headache," the one he knew Jim was starting to feel.

At least there Jim was willing to consent. "Yeah, I could work from my quarters." He turned his head in Bones' direction, the corner of his lip rising in a small smile. He hopped down off of the biobed, holding onto the edge of it. "You going to come keep me company?"

The invitation came as a little but welcomed surprise, and he felt himself smiling to match it. "I think I could do that." Bones went back to study several vials before selecting one. A painkiller, and something that would dilate Jim's eyes, so he could examine them later.

Bones administered the hypo, smiling a little at the familiar hissing reaction before grabbing something to work on, and the two of them made their way slowly down the corridor to Jim's room, linked arm and arm. Soon, soon he was sure, Jim wouldn't need some old grumpy seeing eye dog again. He wondered what would change then, if he would still be coming home to Jim's rooms at the end of the day.

When had Jim's rooms become any definition of _home_?

They got into Jim's quarters, and he could feel Jim relax before their arms separated. Bones walked them both over to the sofa and sat down next to Jim. "You let me know if you feel anything different, with your eyes, okay?"

"I want to say it's getting better," Jim said wryly, "but at the same time I can't tell if its my mind playing tricks on me or not. Looks more like a shadow now."

Bones nodded, a look of relief on his face. "Okay, Jim. This is good, okay? But we just gotta wait, see what happens next." Could be hours, could be days... he didn't want to get Jim's hopes any higher, not without knowing - but this was a hell of a good thing to hear. He reached down and took Jim's hand, giving it a squeeze.

Jim's hand turned over, lacing their fingers together. There was silence, but not an uncomfortable one, before he asked, "When did it change?"

"When did what change?" Bones asked, his eyes lifting from their joined hands to Jim's face.

"You. About this?" Jim gestured between them.

Bones felt his face grow warm as he thought about it. "Can't tell you, really. A while back, I guess." One of his fingers traced the length of Jim's cheek down to his chin, lifting it gently. "You couldn't tell?"

Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "We've always been close." His shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I wasn't thinking it was different out of no where. It's just what it was."

Bones leaned in close, breathing slow. "And I thought it was the worst kept secret on this ship. Figured everyone knows how I feel..." His hand moved to card through Jim's hair, tucking a strand behind his ear.

"Then why not tell me?" Jim leaned slightly into Bones' touch, eyes closing. "Shit, Bones, if I'd known..."

"I dunno," Bones answered, eyes drawn to that look on Jim's face. "I guess I thought- I thought it would happen eventually, that we had time. Then I almost lost you," he added, both hands holding Jim's head now. "What would I do if something happened to you?" he whispered.

There was a tiny crease between Jim's brows, and Bones wondered what was going through his mind. "You'd have kept living," Jim said with a strange twist of his mouth, "otherwise what would it all have meant?"

"...Jim," Bones closed his eyes, pressing their foreheads together. That was the last thing he wanted, for Jim to be put in danger, for him.

But that's what Jim did - he went out where it was dangerous and took the hits for the rest of them, to keep everyone else on board safe, including him, no matter how badly Bones objected to it. It was who he was, and Bones suspected Jim would be like that no matter what he'd ended up doing with his life; just had that protective nature, but here, as captain, it took on a different meaning.

But Jim wouldn't be alone, not ever if Bones could help it. Brushing their lips together, he felt himself smiling. This felt so _good_. "I'm up here for you, kid," he whispered, "so you better stick around, close where I can keep an eye on you."

Jim laughed softly, shaking his head. "You think I'm trying to leave? Not in a million years. I'm in this for the long run. All of this." He sighed against Bones' mouth. "Whatever _this_ is, too."

But Bones already knew that, somehow he _knew_ that no matter what, if it was friendship or more, it was a forever thing between them. He'd have used the word 'soulmate' if it didn't sound so corny in his head, but that was what he felt. Maybe one day he'd say it aloud. Right now, all he wanted was to pull Jim closer, feeling their arms wrapping around each other with what was becoming a familiar gesture.

"Isn't helping me get work done," Jim murmured with a little smirk, but he didn't seem real interested in moving.

"You got somethin' that needs to be done tonight?" Bones murmured in his ear, fingertips running up and down Jim's back, scratching lightly.

Jim rumbled like a cat and stretched again, leaning to the side to move Bones' hand over an itch. "Captain's work is never done. Unless, of course, I have something more important that needs to be done."

Bones kept up the touching, nosing Jim's temple. "No, nothing too important," he chuckled quietly. He kissed Jim's forehead. "What can I do to help you?"

"Don't need to do anything. This... is nice." Jim closed his eyes, yawning. "Whatever you gave me's wanting to knock me out early."

Bones wasn't surprised, Jim's body was always a crap shoot when it came to medication. "Okay, then let's at least get you someplace comfortable." Standing, he took Jim's hand, pulling him up and helping him over to the bed, which Jim suffered without too much complaint.

Jim tugged at his clothing, throwing aside clothing without much care about where it landed. "Hand me some sweat pants, please?"

Pulling a pair out of one of Jim's drawers, Bones tossed them on his lap. "You sure there's nothing you need done tonight, something I can help you with?" he asked, standing in front of Jim, one hand touching his hair lightly as Jim slipped the pants on and lay back down, getting comfortable.

"Now, a lesser man would take advantage of that," but before Bones could get the wrong idea Jim grinned, putting his arms behind his head, laughter in his voice. "I could say all about the massive amounts of paperwork I have, or the crick in my neck, or all sorts of things."

The meds coursing through Jim's veins would help him sleep easily, and Bones knew he needed the rest. Tomorrow was going to be a long, busy day for both of them, formal dress most of the day. "I know you don't want me near your paperwork," Bones chuckled, settling himself next to Jim. His hands found their way to Jim's shoulders, squeezing lightly. "But I can do this."

Jim groaned low at the feeling, head falling forward. "No stopping now that you've started." Not that Bones would have admitted to, once in a while, using a massage as a secret weapon to getting Jim to do something he didn't want to, in this case, resting. Kicking off his shoes, he climbed on the other side of the bed, attacking Jim's shoulders from the other side. It wasn't hard to feel the tension that Jim was holding tightly inside him, but Bones worked the knots out slowly, feeling them release under his hands.

Eventually he felt Jim slumping forward, loose and relaxed. "How's the vision. Anything else happening?"

"Mmm?" Jim's eyes reluctantly opened, and he shook his head. "Shadows still, dark and blurry" he said, but unable to keep the hopeful note out of his voice. "Is it supposed to happen fast now?"

Bones tried not to chuckle. Trust Jim to want this to happen now. "It's gonna come on its own sweet time, Jim, but the good news is that its coming." One more squeeze before he released Jim from his grip and sat back, watching. "Why don't you try and close your eyes."

"I was all close-eyed until you interrupted using those skilled hands. Captain's orders, you have to continue. For at least another hour." Jim rumbled softly, smirking fiercely, knowing just how he sounded.

"Yes sir," Bones replied in a low growl, sliding his hands up Jim's back, rubbing the strong muscles, using his thumbs to press in deep. It felt good to be like this, to be able to smile and laugh and touch Jim, not hiding those feelings. Jim knew now, he knew that Bones wanted more than just being friends, and Bones felt that warmth reciprocate. Almost like Jim's eyes - it would happen, he knew it. It was just a matter of time now.

"Oh how I love to hear those words," Jim teased, but it dissolved into a low groan as Bones' thumbs found a sore spot. "Right there, please?"

Bones kept it up, watching as Jim grew more and more pliant under his hands, and eventually, fell asleep in his arms. It made him feel privileged and foolish, all at the same time. How many more years of this could they have had, how long ago could the sudden, new, awkward hesitation between them been dealt with? Bones knew he had needed that time to see Jim as someone more, see deeper than what Jim left on the surface for all the world to see. Sleepless nights of studying, the nights drinking with friends or just the two of them, piecing the inner workings of Jim's body back together after each accident and fight while Jim did the same in all his subtle ways to subdue Bones' dark demons... all of it needed to unfold slowly, like it did, or they wouldn't have _this_.

After all, all of it led to this. Bones shifted, making himself more comfortable under Jim's weight. His back would hate him in an hour or so for sleeping like this, but it would be worth it.

 

Bones didn't know what time it was when he stirred next at the feel of something touching his face. His eyes fluttered open and in the dim light of the room, he could just make out Jim's face, propped up on an elbow, staring down at him.

 _Looking at him_. Blinking his eyes faster, Bones looked back up to see Jim's eyes tracking his movements. "What do you see?" he asked in a soft voice, as if not wanting to disturb the quiet of the night.

"You." Just a whisper, but it was complete with a smile. "A very blurry _you_."

Perfect. Reaching up, he mirrored Jim's fingers, touching his cheek softly as he sat up, looking him fully in the eye. More than anything he wanted Jim to see what he needed to see, whatever it was in Bones' face that told Jim that his words were true and honest, and that what happened between them - it wasn't about pity or Jim being blind. It was because they belonged together, and Bones wanted that with all of his heart.

But first he had to be a doctor. "Stay here," he said, standing up slowly and crawling off the bed to grab the tricorder he left on the sofa. Sitting next to Jim, he pressed the buttons, scanning the eyes as best as he could considering his heart was beating a million miles a minute. "There's gonna be some bright light here," he told Jim, to warn him before he shone the brightness onto Jim's face, pleased at the quick reaction of the pupil. Jim cursed up a storm though at the sudden change in light, growling that he was blind all over again. Bones told him to stop being a baby, incredibly pleased.

"You could have given me some real warning, Bones! It's the middle of the night and all I can see is a big yellow sun spot now!"

"Brat," he murmured, turning the light off and grinning back at Jim. That scream of Jim's was the best thing he'd heard in days. "I want to get you into to Sickbay soon to do a full diagnostic."

"Can it wait til morning?" Jim grumbled, shifting on the bed. "Or now that you've re-blinded me do we need to hurry down?" Teasing, but under it was an electric excitement of hope, joy, relief.

A quick glance at the chronometer told Bones that they had a few hours before they really needed to be awake. "Morning," he agreed, settling his head back down next to Jim on the bed, unable to stop looking at his face, his eyes. Jim seemed to be watching him as well, both of them quiet for a moment, lost in their thoughts about what was happening. Then Bones leaned forward and kissed Jim, soft and gentle.

Jim sighed against his lips, touching Bones' cheek. He eased the kiss into something deeper, something sweet, then pulled his head back. Their foreheads touched, the silence between them comfortable and still until he thought he could almost hear Jim's thoughts echoing in his skull. It was easy to lay back down together, drawing each other close. It felt so easy, like they had been doing it for years instead of days.

 

The next morning Bones had Jim in Sickbay, running tests on his vision. Still blurry and out of focus, it seemed, but there were no holes in the line of sight, no gaps, no black spots on the periphery. All in all, Bones was pleased, and he told this to Jim. "I know I can't tell you to take it easy today," he began slowly, putting down the scanner. "But promise me that if your head starts to hurt you'll turn over whatever you're doing to Spock to finish. I know you're the captain," he began as he saw Jim start to protest. "But this is your eyesight, and its more important to me, and your crew, than this stupid ceremony."

"Not to Starfleet, though," Jim pointed out with a shake of his head, but he was still smiling. They were both dressed in their finest, and Jim looked good in the gold formal outfit that made his eyes and hair brighter than normal. But Bones growled again, and Jim told him that he'd let him know if his head started to bother him.

Not that Bones believed a word of it, but at least he would be there, nearby to keep an eye on Jim himself. It was a duty he found himself enjoying more and more. "C'mon, let's go," he said, following Jim out the door, and toward the transporter bay where they would meet up with Spock and await the first of their many visitors that day.

 

It was hard for anyone, even Jim's naysayers, to deny that Jim could give a speech. Bones knew, and wondered if anyone else knew, that the speech was entirely off the cuff. Jim thanked the Tuatarans for agreeing to join the Federation, once again made sure they agreed that no one else would have to go through the ritual of Cyli, and they agreed on the terms of their alliance.

Jim's voice rang in the room, filling up the edges of it, rich and in command. Bones hoped Starfleet took note of it.

More than once he saw Admiral Fersen leaning forward, deeply interested, before she looked away to study the snake people.

The Mother was on a view screen in the room, and Bones had not only been proud of, but for, Ruud who stood tall beside a formally dressed female Tuataran he had called a handmaiden of Cyli, the pair now named the Ambassadors to the Federation for the Tuatarans. Maybe it was just him, but Ruud's calm features still seemed to exude a certain level of pride and excitement.

After the ceremony was over, everyone headed to the reception in one of the adjoining lounges. Bones found himself face to face with Ruud for the first time since they had been on the planet, and the feelings welling up inside him were surprising, though upon reflection they shouldn't have been. They'd shared an experience together, one neither of them would forget. Even though the mission was technically a success, there had been unspeakable loss, his fellow crew members, and the Tuataran in front of him had been instrumental in keeping them alive. He'd saved Jim's life, and Bones would never forget that.

He nodded at the lizard creature, looking up at him. "Are you well?" he asked, indicating the tail injury.

Ruud glanced down at his tail, lifting it slowly. "It is healing," he hissed, the sounds emitting from the translator into slow English. "I am grateful for your assistance. Many times, injuries such as this- it interferes with the way- we speak. Makes it hard to serve her." He flicked it again, showing Bones its movement. "I thank you."

But Bones shook his head. "No, I owe you... everything." Unconsciously he looked over at Jim, then back at Ruud. "You kept us alive. We can't repay you for that, ever."

"If not for your captain's quick thinking, would be dead like crew-man," Ruud said calmly. "Debt between us is made and repaid."

There was a flash of understanding in the reptilian black eyes, and Bones simply nodded. A bond between their people existed now, because of what had happened to them, and the Federation was all the better for it. "I'm glad you were able to be here today. It meant a lot to Jim."

"Was surprise to be given such a grand position," Ruud hissed, looking to the female nearby. "Proud to have such strong lifemate. Is thanks to you, thanks to your Captain."

Bones' eyes searched the room for Jim before going back to Ruud. _Lifemate_. He liked the sound of that word. "I hope we'll meet again someday," Bones said. The snakeman nodded gravely, then returned to his female, lacing her arm with his in the proper Tuataran fashion.

"Cute couple." Bones jumped out of his skin at the sound of the voice behind him. He turned to see Jim grinning over at him. "I think things turned out well for him."

"Sounds like it," Bones agreed. "How are you feeling?"

"All in all? Pretty good. Everything's still pretty blurry, and I've almost tripped over Ruud's tail twice, but good." Jim stood right beside him, close enough Bones could feel his body heat, smell his cologne. "We got our alliance with some serious benefits to the Federation, the Tuatarans will get access to materials they find hard to get on their planet. I found out that they have more of their people on another planet in this system, and that Ruud and his new girl will be going with us to meet them."

Bones turned to see the new Ambassador and his partner speaking to the admiral, both of them looking a bit uncomfortable but _trying_. "Glad to hear it," he told Jim, looking at Jim with pride in his eyes. It had been a hard mission but they'd done it. There would be more of these missions in their future, no doubt, but seeing Jim standing in his command gold, Bones knew they could handle whatever the universe had to throw at them.

Just then, Jim's comm beeped. He pulled it out and frowned as Uhura said that he and Spock were needed on the bridge. "I'll be right there." Jim looked to Spock, who acknowledged his understanding with a nod, and turned neatly on his heel to leave the room. Jim looked at Bones and gave a small grin. "It never ends, huh?"

"Guess not," Bones answered. The reception looked to be breaking up, people breaking up into smaller groups to continue their conversations elsewhere. "I'd better head back to work myself," he added. "Meet me for dinner later?" It was a strange feeling, a familiar question but now it meant to much more.

"Sure," Jim said easily, but as Bones turned to head back down to sickbay, he staggered when the weight of Jim's arm landed across his shoulders. He turned his head, giving a confused look towards his friend and captain. "'Cept... I still need my seeing-eye Bones to get me to the bridge, so you'd better come along."

A slow smile spread across his face. Bones suspected that Jim didn't really need him to get up there, but the fact that Jim wanted him up on the bridge with him... it meant more to Bones than he could ever say. "We better get up there then," Bones told him, crooking out his elbow to help Jim, any way he could.

It was what he did.


End file.
